


And Though The Moon Never Glowed

by hansungchan



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Agoraphobia, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Drama, Family, Flashbacks, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Murder, Platonic Relationships, Psychological Drama, Suicidal Thoughts, and i am sad ALWAYS, srsly this is a product of my sadness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:28:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 36,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26269489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hansungchan/pseuds/hansungchan
Summary: In which Huang Renjun is Dong Sicheng’s patient, diagnosed with severe mental disorders, and is a suspect for the murder of his own father. Still, Sicheng finds himself getting sucked by the boy's enchanting eyes, rare smile, and his untold story no one really knows about.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Huang Ren Jun, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 55





	1. 1/4

**Author's Note:**

> JUST TO BE CLEAR: Some relationships I put at the relationship tag is PURELY platonic. Also, as I've mentioned from the additional tags, this is me projecting ALL of my inner sadness and conflicts in this fic. And when I said ALL, it means A LOT bec I'm a very sad person in general lol. Writing is my way of coping. I wanna add too that I am no professional when it comes to subjects such as mental asylums or psychological disorders, even at the judiciary, laws, and all that shit- but I try my best to portray Renjun's suffering in this one. I REALLY TRIED but don't expect much because as I've stated, I am no professional in those fields. I am aware of the several plot holes of this fic, and I don't really care HAHA. I wrote for the sake of entertainment, and to kill time. I am too lazy to actually do serious research, sorry for that. So I'm saying this in advance in case you read this and be disappointed in the middle when you realized this is not up to y'all's intellect. 
> 
> THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO FLUFF IN THIS. There, I already said it. Be mindful of the tags. I'll keep adding from time to time as I post the next chapters. Though as much as possible I don't like to put everything on the tags section too. Guess I'll just set a warning on the notes in case some of y'all don't like surprises. But the majority of this story's theme is already on the tags so no prob with that. 
> 
> Again, keep your expectations low. This is just a fic in the first place. That's all. Enjoy reading!

“Dr. Dong, are you sure you’re going to take his case?”

The asked doctor smiled, thin lips forming a line that shows the sincerity of his next words. “Well, it is a case given to me, isn’t it? You know it’s unprofessional to say no to a patient, Fei.”

“I know, but... have you read his files? You don’t have to do this. There’s plenty of doctors here in the asylum who can take him.”

“Yes, but it is I that is assigned to observe his behavior. No need to worry Fei. I heard he’s just a young boy,” the doctor reassured his female secretary.

Said female sighed, shaking her head. “No one is “just a young boy” here in the mental asylum, sire. You really need to start watching the news.”

Sicheng chuckles, patting his secretary on the shoulder as he stopped in front of the room where he’s about to meet patient #720 for the first time. “It’s okay, I only need 10 minutes to assess and evaluate this case. It’s enough time before I meet him.”

“Well, if you say so Dr. Dong. If you ever need me just ring my number. I’ll tell the guards to pick #720 for his appointment.”

Sicheng nods and watched as the woman walked away, disappearing in the long hallway. He puffed air in his chest one last time before he twists the metal knob and enters the consultation room.

With almost four years in this field, he’s been through various rooms that are all alike in appearance and its serving purpose. Of course, they just all had to be painted in color white or grey. Floors all too polished clean you can flatly see your reflection in the tiles. With a mahogany table in the middle, and two chairs waiting for the doctor and the patient. This room is no different. Sicheng knows that as he’s been using it since he transferred to Seoul’s biggest asylum one and a half year ago. The walls were painted in the pure color of white, with a single painting from an unknown artist hanging at the center. If anything, the only object Sicheng truly liked in this room was the succulent plant in his table.

It’s simple, but dull in the doctor’s eyes. But he can’t really complain, can he? Not when the purpose of occupying this room is not to gawk on its eye-candy (or in this case, plainly dull) appearance. After all, it’s a consultation room. A private space where Sicheng talks to the criminally insane.

Suddenly, he recalled his previous conversation with Fei. He’s been briefed a little by Dr. Moon regarding his new assignment, which is patient #720. All he knows about the other was that he’s a male university student who had just officially become an adult last year, and his name is Renjun. If he’s brought here then Fei is right. He is not a simple innocent boy despite his young age.

Finally opening the folder with a written _Patient #720_ at the top corner, Sicheng took his time to study and keep in mind every single detail printed in Renjun’s paper. It’s all pretty colorful and Sicheng would be lying if he said it doesn’t bother him. For Renjun, he found out, was a very dangerous and probably one of the most insane people Sicheng was just about to handle.

According to his papers, Renjun was recently diagnosed with severe Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Depression, Agoraphobia, and Panic Disorder. Of course, as a doctor who has encountered and treated mentally-ill patients before, Sicheng would’ve been used to this by now. Maintaining his poker face, he should nod his head and think of ways on how to approach said patient. But instead, he frowns. As the first thing he did was check the age of the boy and think, _‘Six disorders at such a young age?’_

But that doesn’t end there. As the longer Sicheng learned about Renjun, the wider his eyes gaped. Of course, with Renjun admitted here in the mental asylum, a place for the criminals, only means one thing. Renjun must have done something wrong. However, Sicheng didn’t expect it to be _this_ horrifying.

Renjun is the primary suspect for the brutal murder of his father, Mr. Huang, who was found annihilated inside their own house. The weapon is the same butcher knife the deceased used for their meat processing business. Unbeknownst to him, it’ll be the same knife to cut his limbs to pieces until his body is almost unrecognizable, eyes gouged out and head ripped from his neck. The printed pictures of the crime scene were too bloody to even look at, Sicheng decided to put it away after a second. The witness is said to be Renjun’s mother, whom Renjun also stabbed in the stomach, but fortunately isn’t deep enough to kill the woman. She is currently at the hospital, resting. All the pieces of evidence were pointed at Renjun. Even Renjun admitted to his own crimes the same night he was sent to the police station. It’s been a week since the murder was filed and now Renjun needs to temporarily stay at the asylum to provide him the appropriate treatment and Sicheng, being his appointed Psychiatrist, needs to observe him for the time being as the findings and results of all their meetings could be used as proof to the court.

‘ _Wow, just how fucked up this kid could be?’_ Sicheng isn’t sure whether to feel sorry or to feel wary of Huang Renjun.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. “Come in,” Sicheng said out loud.

Fei’s head popped at the door. “Dr. Dong, your patient is here.”

“Oh okay. Let him in.”

Sicheng put the folder away, sat straight, and displayed a warm, friendly smile on his face.

When Renjun came in, he’s everything Sicheng didn’t expect to be. Sure, he saw the other’s picture on his profile. But it doesn’t do him any justice as the younger male who entered his office is truly ethereal and beautiful in his own way. If anything, he looks more like an angel, one who is incapable of doing all the things he’s been accused of. However, Sicheng knew better than to judge people with their looks. He didn’t study Psychology for four years just to be fooled with an innocent face.

Renjun is thin, frail-looking, and pale. His black hair is long enough to cover half of his eyes. It doesn’t help that Renjun is looking down when Sicheng points him to his seat, never once making eye contact with the older.

Sicheng looked at the small alarm clock he always took with him. The time is 3:00 p.m. This consultation will last for one and a half-hour. And so, he turned on the alarm, the time already set. He cleared his throat, looking at the boy who remained silent, and announced the start of their consultation.

The doctor started with an introduction.

“Hello. I am Dong Sicheng, I will be your doctor for the time being. You... are Huang Renjun, right?”

No answer. Renjun remained silent, fondling his fingers on his lap.

“Did you know why you’re here Renjun?” Sicheng tried again in his friendliest voice possible. If there’s one thing he learned in this business, it is to always _always_ practice that tone to your patients. The key to a relationship with them is trust. The patient needs to trust the doctor first to open up.

However, with Renjun, it seems Sicheng would have a hard time as the other refused to even budge.

He cleared his throat. “Renjun? Can you hear me?”

Renjun does not answer. He never looks up, only staring at his fingers. Not a shake of a head or a simple hum for a response. Sicheng sighed, as he tried a lot of alternatives to get Renjun to talk.

He doesn’t. A one and a half-hour later, no development has been disclosed for Huang Renjun’s case.

***

That same night, Sicheng studied everything about Renjun. He even asked Dr. Moon, the head Psychiatrist at the asylum, of the complete files regarding the murder case. Along with the findings and results of his tests on his previous consultation to a therapist. That day he wasted one session without even getting Renjun to speak a word. He refused to make the same mistakes at his next meeting with the boy. So he made it his goal to learn everything there is to know about patient #720.

Like the previous folder he read, it says the same thing on the paper in his hand. But this one is more grotesque, much specific, and detailed. There’s even a whole headline for it in front of the local newspaper dated in not more than six days ago; _Man Brutally Massacred By His Own Son._ Sicheng read the article thoroughly.

A statement from the Huangs neighbor was emphasized in printed italics.

“ _I remember the exact time when I heard someone screaming next door because it is the same hour I need to pick up my daughter from kindergarten. It’s 2:00 p.m. Thinking there’s some kind of burglary currently transpiring, of course, I ran to my neighbor’s rescue. My house is just beside the Huangs so it doesn’t take me that long to get there on time. The odd thing I noticed at first is their open front door. Unfortunately, when I came in, the scene that I saw is too horrible even up to these days it gives me nightmares. The tiled floor was soaked in blood, Mr. Huang’s head is rolling on the ground. His limbs were torn in parts. And Renjun, their only son, is stabbing his unconscious mother in the stomach.”_

Sicheng shakes his head. At this point, he was not even surprised when the police did not request for an autopsy report when the body is barely whole. Moving on, the doctor analyzed the next data and found out that Renjun’s mother suffered from a hit on her skull, which results in her blacking out and collapsing on the floor. Based on the investigations and evidence, they suspected Renjun did it when his mother screamed, the same scream that alerted their next-door neighbor. And the boy, surprised and driven by anger, stabbed the woman on her stomach until their neighbor burst in the door. It seems plausible though and is confirmed to be real when Renjun said the exact same thing when he conceded his crimes at the police station.

Basically, at this point, Renjun’s case is hopeless. He already pleads guilty and they’re simply waiting for the judge to officially announce his ruling after another session at the court. The results regarding Renjun’s mental instability that Sicheng could present at the hearing will only affect Renjun’s sentence but it will do nothing to make him look innocent. And it seems, Renjun knows that too.

Renjun’s full statement was recorded at the police station and was presented as evidence for their first court hearing. Dr. Moon gave Taeil the flash drive that includes the CCTV records of when Renjun admitted to his crimes. Sicheng played the only video on his laptop.

It shows a colorless video but from the angle Renjun’s image is clear. His black hair who was just then starting to grow longer is halfway inches to hiding his eyes. In front of him was the person assigned to question him.

The first ten minutes of the video was of nothing but the officer repeatedly asking the same question to the suspect, quite close to losing his mind if you’d ask Sicheng. For Renjun doesn’t even move a finger, just sitting there, staring at the police officer in front of him as the latter nearly yells the question in Renjun’s face.

“ _Aish! Are you seriously not gonna answer me, punk?! Because I_ _ **could**_ _kill you right now! I swear to God, one more time-”_

“ _Won’t you be in trouble if you did?”_

Sicheng’s brows furrowed after hearing Renjun’s voice for the first time. It is surprisingly calm. And soft. Very soft, actually.

“ _What did you say?!” the officer slammed his palms on the table._

_But Renjun merely blink. “This conversation of ours, isn’t this recorded? If you’re going to use this tape as evidence against me on the court, is it really okay to say things like that officer? Don’t you know the saying? One person is innocent until proven guilty.”_

_The officer laughed unbelievably before pursing his lips and leaning in closer to face Renjun. “You have the guts to say that when your clothes still had the traces of your father’s blood, punk! Can’t you see?! All it takes is one hearing, one presentation of all the witnesses, and pieces of evidence from the prosecution and the judge will eventually make her_ _**obvious** _ _decision! Now, instead of being such an annoying brat, why don’t you just admit to your crimes huh? If you did, it could help make your sentence at least less heavy than it already is.”_

_Renjun was once again silent. Eyes hollow and empty, staring straight passed the officer. His handcuffed hands were firmly resting on the table, clasped together in a calm manner._

“ _I’m asking you one last time. This is your last chance to prove that inside that little fucked up criminal mind of yours, you are still a human being at heart who is guilty of killing his own blood! Now, did you kill your father, Mr. Huang?!”_

 _Renjun pursed his lips. It took him a minute, an amused smile dancing on his lips for the first time before he stares straight to the officer’s eyes and answered all too normally. “_ _**I did.”** _

“ _You motherfucking psycho! Why did you do it?!”_

“ _Because he broke all the materials I used for painting right after telling me art is useless, Officer.”_

“ _Why- You really are one crazy son of a bitch!”_

_The video ended when the man tried to attack Huang Renjun who merely grins like he just told an interesting story on a Friday night, the other police officers breaking in to stop their comrade onto hitting the suspect._

Sicheng drank the glass of water beside him, feeling his throat dryer than ever. He couldn’t believe it. Huang Renjun’s behavior, from the perspective of someone like him, is very concerning. As if having six mental illness isn’t enough, his patient could be a total craze.

With the results of his consultation with another therapist named Mrs. Song, Renjun is confirmed to be diagnosed with various psychological disorders. Now Sicheng wonders what caused it. Because as far as he knows, no one is ever born with such sickness. It could only be formed and created in many different aspects. The environment is one of them. Trauma, too. He wonders how did Renjun end up this way. Butchering your father limb to limb just because he is opposed to your hobby (Sicheng figures Renjun might be interested in Art, especially painting) isn’t something a normal person would do. No matter how enraged they are.

It only proves one thing. Renjun is a ticking bomb. His feelings and emotions are very rocky and prone to changes and spontaneous actions.

Renjun could just be Sicheng’s most interesting patient.

***

  
  


Sicheng didn’t meet Renjun until Thursday. His appointments with the latter occurring only every three days per week, Monday, Thursday, and Saturday. Renjun is already waiting inside when Sicheng arrives. As usual, his head lowered and eyes staring at the floor, hands tightly clasped with each other in his lap, and shoulders slumped on the chair. He cleared his throat to announce his presence. Renjun barely moved.

But there’s something interesting that Sicheng caught with his very own eyes. The little succulent plant in his desk was facing in a strange direction. Opposite to its fixed angle at the center. It only means one thing...

The doctor smiled as he took his seat. “Do you like plants Renjun?” he asked.

Renjun’s head tilts a little, in behind those black fringes Sicheng caught a pair of brown orbs peeking before it looks away at the last minute. Slowly, Renjun nods his head.

Sicheng’s smile grew wider. “Really? Do you own a plant Renjun?”

Renjun mumbled a small, “I did.”

“You did? So it’s a past tense. What kind of plant is it?”

Renjun nibbles his bottom lip as if he wasn’t sure whether to answer Sicheng’s question or not. “A succulent too, cactus,” he said in a very small voice Sicheng barely heard it.

“Oh. That’s a wonderful choice, Renjun. What happened to them?”

“Dead.”

Sicheng’s smile falters at Renjun’s answer. For a second, he does not know what to say next to that. However, Renjun has decided to finally talk to him and it’s already a big progress. He needs to keep the conversation going by hook or by crook.

“But cactus has a very strong and long lifespan. They cannot be killed easily,” Sicheng suggested.

Renjun does not say a word after. Sicheng bit his lips, thinking, before he pushed the small succulent plant at the center of the table.

“Look at this. I had this in this office for almost a year now. It only needs a short hour in the sunlight and a few whisks of water and it’ll live for a long time. Don’t you think it’s amazing, Renjun? How there are things on Earth that only need one or two resources to live for a lifetime?”

Waiting for Renjun’s reaction wasn’t supposed to be this... exhilarating. Sicheng figures this kind of moment only happened in a matter or case of life and death. When you are playing a lottery where you got all the numbers right and you were only down for the last. That heart-stopping time, the second of realization that will conclude the result of everything. Renjun stirs that kind of throbbing feeling in Sicheng’s chest.

Renjun’s response is a small smile, hands raising to move for the first time as he lightly touched the small pot as if afraid it'd break. “Unlike humans, greedy creatures. Never content, always wanting more despite having enough of everything.”

“Do you hate humans Renjun?”

With his finger frozen at the question Sicheng threw, Renjun for the first time looks not at the plant but at Sicheng’s face. Eyes blank and empty of emotion, the male nodded his head.

“How about your father, Mr. Huang? He’s a human right? Do you... hate him too?”

Renjun’s response was an indifferent stare, keeping his silence until Sicheng breaks it with another question.

“Then what about your mother? I heard you are very close to her. She’s the one who raised you, right? While your father work overseas? Do you hate your mother, Renjun?”

For a fleeting second, there’s an emotion that flashed Renjun’s eyes. Is it sadness? Longing? Pain? Regret? Sicheng’s isn’t quite sure yet, but he does take note of it in his record.

“My mother... is a very selfless person.”

“What?”

“She’s the best mom in the world.”

“So why did you do it, Renjun? Why did you stab your own mother?”

No one prepared Sicheng to hear a chilling chuckle from Renjun. For the next 10 minutes, it’s all Renjun did. Laugh. Throwing his head back, and releasing the coldest and emptiest laugh Sicheng ever heard.

Renjun laughed like a real madman that he is.

***

The next time Sicheng met Renjun, something is off with the latter. Renjun would often enter the small room with his head hanging low, shoulders slumped, his footsteps so light and quiet Sicheng would hardly hear it. Even the way he would pull the chair in front of Sicheng, Renjun’s movements are always light, almost like a feather, careful not to produce any sounds in the already silent space.

But that particular Saturday afternoon was different. There’s quite a heaviness and carelessness in Renjun’s steps, marching his way to the seat assigned for him. And when he pulls out the chair, it creates a loud screeching noise before Renjun casually plops down to it. Even his usual posture is different. The hands that would normally be pressed together on his lap are in a crossed position in his chest. His fingers tapping against his own skin lazily. And his eyes; it is _glaring_ straight and boring holes to Sicheng.

Playing with the pen in between his fingers, Sicheng doesn’t back down to Renjun’s stares. Instead finding himself amused and filled with excitement as to what shade of Renjun will he uncover that day. He pressed his back comfortably on his swivel chair.

“Good afternoon, Renjun. You look restless. Did you not get enough sleep last night?” Sicheng started with his observation at the prominent dark circle under Renjun’s eyes.

Renjun cackled in a sarcastic tone. “At this point could you even expect anyone to sleep peacefully in that cold, dark and dirty cell?”

‘ _Oh. It’s his anger talking.’_ Sicheng is quick to write it in his notes.

_0x-xx-2020, Saturday_

_3_ _ rd _ _Consultation_

_Patient #720 appears to be not on his greatest moods. Negative emotions are present and heightened. Anger is in control of his actions and words._

Sicheng wonders what will happen if he pushed a little bit of Renjun’s anger buttons this time.

“Are you sure that’s the problem? Or maybe you just cannot sleep because your nightmares are haunting you?”

Renjun’s glares became sharper, deadlier than it was earlier. But he didn’t say a word.

“Have you ever had nightmares, Renjun?”

“Living enough is the worst nightmare for me.”

And there it goes. Another emotion. A rather bold statement of someone who despised the idea of living.

“And why is that? Is living such a bad idea for you that you’d call it a nightmare?”

Renjun chuckles, shoulders moving in the process, before his expression turned dark and his lips pursed in a thin line. “It is.”

“But if you’ll ask me, I’ll tell you that living isn’t such a bad thing. In fact, you could turn it a daydream if you want it to be.”

“Are you sure that’s an appropriate choice for words of encouragement to a murderer like me who’s only waiting for his life sentence to be proclaimed?”

“No, I guess it’s not. But say, I met you- a day, an hour, a minute, a _second_ \- before you did what you did, that would be my choice of words for you, Renjun.”

From Sicheng’s peripheral vision, he caught sight of Renjun’s balled fists trembling as the younger tried his best to hide it in his arms. Sicheng squinted at it. Clearly, his words are getting to Renjun, serving its sole purpose; to fluster the latter as Sicheng waits for his reaction.

The look Renjun gave Sicheng is that of a hate, of pure disgust and abhorrence. Like he’s cursing the very existence of Dong Sicheng. But if you look closely, as Sicheng did, there’s something swirling inside those hateful orbs. Something. _Something._

“You don’t even know what I did, Doctor. How will you stop something you clearly have no understanding of?” Then Renjun giggled, like a man teasing his companion for a secret only he knows.

“I know exactly what you did, Renjun. You killed your own father and stabbed your own mother. You’re their son, they bear you life, and yet-”

In a flicker of second, Sicheng did not saw Renjun standing from his chair and slamming the table with his palms. The collision creates a loud, deep sound that it’ll surely hurt Renjun’s hands just as twice for doing so. But Renjun does not care. His eyes menacing and lips trembling as he closed his fists and dug his fingernails in his pale knuckles. Before he slammed his hand back at the wooden table once more.

“I did it to save my mother!”

Sicheng, who was flabbergasted on his seat, is quick to regain his composure. “To save your mother? Do you think you saved your mother now? Your mother’s in the hospital, Renjun, fighting for her life. Tell me, what will she think, what will happen to her, once she woke up and found out her husband is dead and her only son is the murderer? “

“She... She will be free.”

“Freedom, is that it? Will she really be?”

But instead of answering, Renjun returned with his loathed gaze. “You... are just like everyone else. Ignorant. Dumb. Life is wasted to people like you.”

“If I am such an ignorant person we wouldn’t be here today, Renjun. I am here to help you.”

It’s as if what Sicheng says is something out of a comedy, Renjun laughed so hard his tears started to strain the corner of his eyes.

“ _Help me?_ Hahahahahahaha! You are one funny person, _Doctor_. Tell me, how much will they pay you just to prove I am nothing but a fucked-up, crazy psycho who completely lost it in the hearing, huh?” Renjun sat back down on his chair, still laughing without a hitch.

“Renjun-”

“Ah no no no no. You don’t have to say anything to me, doctor. I may be a murderer but I do know a thing or two about _helping_. You help because you want to. You help without asking for anything in return. You help because you _care_. None of you cares. What you all are is a curious cat. Curiosity is what brings you here, doctor. Not because you have a heart for a lost cause like me.”

Renjun’s words, as it slowly sinks in to Sicheng’s mind, is painful. It kicks him unexpectedly. Because deep inside, there’s a hint of unpleasant truth in it. And maybe, that’s what Sicheng is a little guilty of. Perhaps that’s why it stings.

***

Sicheng doesn’t go to work on Sundays. It’s his day off and for the patients in the asylum, that day is a free day. All patients split up to spend their morning or afternoon at the asylum’s lawn that is huge in space and is maintained by the number of local guards and security surrounding the area. And by evening, once the clock strikes at 8, everyone is advised to spend an hour or two at the asylum’s theater room where patients can watch movies before their bedtime. Of course, under tight security too.

Currently, Sicheng is preparing for his date out with his long-time boyfriend, Nakamoto Yuta. The other is working at his parent’s company so there really is no better day for both of them than Sunday to spend time together.

He was disrupted in the middle of putting cream on his face when his phone rang. It is Fei.

“Hello?”

“ _Doctor Dong, I truly apologize for calling and disrupting your weekend but we have a problem.”_

The first thing Sicheng noticed after hearing Fei’s voice is the urgency and uneasiness in it. It sure is enough for Sicheng to be perceptive. “Why? What happened?”

“It’s patient #720, Huang Renjun. Since this morning, he’s been showing signs of hostility and now he just resorted to violence. He refused to go outside and when one of our nurses came in to check, the whole room is on disarray. He also hurt himself by clawing on his own skin, his arms and even his face are full of scratches and dried blood marks. We ought to cleanse him and treat his wounds but he won’t let anyone near him. He just kept on shouting, he even choked one of our nurses.”

“ _What?_ Well, give him _alprazolam_ to calm him down! Talk to him!”

“But Doctor Dong, he won’t listen. Right now, he just kept yelling in berserk.”

“What is he saying?” Sicheng asked.

“Well, somewhere between how he hates it in here and he wished he was dead. The patient is also crying.”

With the last statement, Sicheng froze. “He’s crying?” The Chinese male hurriedly looked for the notebook he always carries around in his bag. Grabbing a pen as he balanced his phone between his shoulder and ear, he scribbled this new information on the paper under Renjun’s name.

_Patient #720 is on morose episode. The anger and despair, along with his hinted sign of depression are shown through acts of ferocity._

_Note: Could be one of his coping mechanisms._

“Dr. Dong are you there? What do we do? No one can get close to him as he’s threatening everyone. The nurse he held in a chokehold almost passed out. We were thinking if maybe we could tranquilize him and forcefully sedate him but... we need your consent,” Fei spoke again in the other line.

Sicheng nodded. He understands. Despite the asylum treating those with criminal records and mentally-ill patients, these people still have their rights. Such as they cannot be given any kind of medication or be forced to swallow them unless the situation asks for it and the doctor assigned for them gives a go signal to the staff. Just in case something happened, it is the doctor’s responsibility. Renjun is Sicheng’s responsibility.

“Okay, force sedate him. I give you my consent, Fei.”

“Thank you, Dr. Dong. Again, I’m so sorry for the disturbance.”

“But hey, before you do it, at least try to talk to him gently first, please? Approach him in a friendly way. Don’t resort to it unless you’ve tried everything,” Sicheng added.

There’s a few seconds silence on the other line before Fei replied. “Okay. I’ll call you back later for the report.” And before she cut off the line, Sicheng heard Fei’s strict instructions to the workers on the background. There are a few shuffles here and there before the line beeped, a sign the call ended.

Sicheng sighed. He really hopes Renjun would just let the nurses take care of him without resulting in any use of tranquilizers. Somehow, it doesn’t sound right in Sicheng’s ears.

“What are you thinking about? You seemed off today,” Yuta, Sicheng’s boyfriend, noticed in the middle of their eating in a luxurious restaurant in town.

Sicheng seemed to just realize it too because his cheeks turned into a bright shade of pink as Yuta merely laughs at his adorable reaction. “S-Sorry.”

“Don’t be. Tell me instead what’s bothering that pretty little mind of yours.”

Again, Sicheng’s face was covered in a bright shade of pink. His boyfriend, despite being together since college days, never failed to make him blush with his choice of words.

“It’s just... my new patient. He’s been acting up today at the asylum. According to Fei, he just went all out of control and even choke one of our nurses that tried to approach him,” Sicheng said in a worry jutting his bottom lip.

“Is this that Huang kid? The one you’re telling me about since last week?”

Yeah, Sicheng has been telling Yuta everything that bothers him, especially regarding his work. Yuta is nothing but a supportive boyfriend, the one person Sicheng trusted the most. Telling Yuta something is like writing in a diary with a hundred lock. So of course it’s no surprise he knew about Renjun. He’s the first and only person he told him about it when he first received the assignment from Dr. Moon.

Sicheng nodded solemnly.

“Well, are you sure you can really handle him, babe? I mean, I respect you and I commend you for accepting his very... special case. But I gotta be honest with you, I would be lying if I said I 100% support your decision of being his personal doctor. He murdered his own father and now he’s choking his nurses too? You know you can always back out, right? It’s not yet too late to give him up,” Yuta said in full concern.

“But I can’t. Renjun is... different. Not in a he’s-very-dangerous-out-of-all-patients-I-handle kind of different. However, there’s something in him that I want to understand. I’m not sure if it’s just my curiosity, or it’s my professionalism and perfectionist self talking not to give this role up. But as a Psychiatrist and his doctor I pledged to be the one person who would not give up on him even when everybody else did.” _‘Even when he himself did.’_

Sicheng’s hands were held firmly by Yuta, squeezing the smaller palm inside his much bigger one. Offering Sicheng that smile that never fails to warm his heart. “You know I’ll always support your decision right? But I just wanna let you know, no matter what you decide to do in the end, I will always be right here for you.”

And that, that is enough for Sicheng to go on. To stand firm on his beliefs. To keep trying. All his life he had Yuta with him, smiling at him and waving a flag for him on the finish line. Before he would send Sicheng off with another heartwarming beam and a wave to start on his new journey. Which, in along the way, Yuta would still be there for cheering on him until he reached his goal.

Maybe that’s what everyone needs. A cheerleader, a supporter. Sicheng will forever be grateful because Yuta never left his side. He can’t imagine how he would be right now if it weren’t for Yuta’s unconditional love and unwavering support.

For people like Renjun, however, he can’t help but wonder if maybe that’s why everything went wrong. Because there is no one to send them off, cheer for them, and hug them at the end of the line.

***

“Hello, Renjun. How’s your weekend?” Sicheng started his questioning that Monday afternoon as soon as Renjun filled in the spot across him.

Unfortunately, Renjun did not answer. Too occupied playing the fingers on his lap, not an ounce of interest to even meet Sicheng’s eyes. Sicheng sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“We’re back to silence, I see,” the doctor commented.

After another few minutes of shared silence between them, with Renjun not bothering to give a single bit of attention to Sicheng, the latter decided to ask another one.

“Renjun, did you know what date it is today?” No answer. “It is the 27th of July.” Still, silence. “A month and a half from now, you will have to come to the court again for your hearing. I will be sitting as I will show and explain to everyone everything there is to know about you and your mental health. _This_ will be the last piece of evidence before the judge makes his final decision. This could be of advantage to you or not.”

Sicheng made sure his stares were so intense Renjun would feel it despite avoiding them. “Of course, that is if you cooperate with me. Can’t you see, Renjun? I was trying to help you.”

When Renjun’s head snapped to face Sicheng, his eyes were once again filled with so much hate and despise. “Well, it’s no use. Unfortunately, _doctor,_ no matter what shitty excuse of a medical result you present in front of everyone at the hearing, it will not change the fact that I am doomed to be locked up in here forever. What? You really think you can give me freedom using my fucked up mind as an excuse for my crimes?”

“Renjun, you don’t understand. You are still young. We can still fight this. If I prove to the court that what you did was only a mere factor of a traumatic experience or an abuse, the environment you grew up with- if we did it the judge might show you mercy and not give you a life sentence of service after all. I’ve searched enough for this, okay, and the most they could give you is at least 15 to 20 years.”

But instead of listening to Sicheng’s pleas, Renjun scoffed. The upper corner of his lips curved in an uptight smile that could only be of resemblance to restrained anger. “ _15 to 20 years?_ Like that would make a change, doctor. I’d rather stay locked up forever than suffer a life outside as an ex-convict and a criminal who killed his own father.”

“Renjun, you are still young. There is always hope in the world, opportunities that will come in if you _just_ open your heart.”

The answer Sicheng received is an empty smile. “Well, the world is cruel for the young, doctor.”

“So you’re saying you’d rather be here? Taking medical pills your whole life? Locked up in a small spaced room with a single bed? Talking to doctors like me every week? Is that what you really want?”

“Yeah, well, I guess except for talking to dumb doctors like you. After that, everything is fine with me.”

No, Sicheng thought, mentally shaking his head. There’s a lie hidden within Renjun’s words and Sicheng found it when the younger looked away. He saw the split second of hesitation swirling in the black-haired boy’s orbs before he spits his words. Words that are not entirely true. But right that moment, it is not a complete lie either.

“Do you have a dream, Renjun? And no, I’m not gonna accept no as an answer. Everyone has a dream. You ought to have one. Don’t you wish to fulfill it someday?” Sicheng crossed his arms, observing Renjun’s stone-hard facade.

“A dream?” Renjun lifts a brow. “Why are you asking me? So you could use it as a subject and a topic once the judge asks you why I deserve a lighter sentence despite having brutally killed my own parent?” He chuckles. “Sorry to burst your bubble but, I don’t have one.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Then don’t. No one’s forcing you to.”

“Isn’t the reason why you killed your own father is that... he’s against your dream?” Sicheng knew he got it right when Renjun’s expression turned grim. “Painting, isn’t it? Is that your dream? You want to be a painter. You like Art.” It is not a question but rather a statement Sicheng is quite certain of in his part.

When Renjun didn’t give an answer, Sicheng continues with his interrogation. “You’re young, and clearly you have difficulties holding your anger. I am not blaming you, no one is. Perhaps it’s the puberty hitting or the stress of finally becoming an adult. But at times, we find ourselves losing it. Our grasp in reality. I could tell you names of people I have killed inside my mind due to overwhelming anger and a day wouldn’t be enough. However, in your case, you let that anger control you. When your father said- what was that again?” Sicheng tried to remember what Renjun said in the CCTV footage he recently watched on his laptop. “ _"Art is useless”_. Isn’t that when you lost it?”

Renjun is trembling on his seat. Forehead sweaty, eyes shaking and lips pursed in a very thin line. The boy’s knuckles are pale white due to its tight compress. Sicheng sees it as an advantage. The more Renjun shows and uncovers bits of himself, the better will be the result of their therapy.

“You hated your father, didn’t you, Renjun? Was it because he _never_ supported your dreams?”

“ _Shut up!”_ Renjun screams so loud Sicheng flinches. At the same time, the younger male also cowered in his own seat, both hands covering his ears as he repeatedly shouted for Sicheng to “Shut the fuck up!”

“Renjun, calm down. Calm down! Renjun, do you hear me? Do _not_ lose it this time! Ssshh sshh listen to me, listen.” Sicheng, without giving it much thought, reached out to Renjun, holding the shaking boy firmly in his shoulders. He knew what he was doing- being near to his unstable patient is very dangerous for all possible reasons. But a part of him felt the need to do so. After all, Renjun is not the first patient he broke all the safety precautions for.

“Listen to my voice only, Renjun. Breathe in, breathe out. Count in your head 1 to 10. Control yourself. You are not all the anger rising in your chest. You are you. You have to tell yourself that,” Sicheng emphasized as he looks straight to Renjun’s orbs.

Renjun is still trembling, and he’s still glaring at Sicheng. Lips still murmuring the same thing. “Shut up, shut up, shut up. I don’t wanna hear it. Shut up.” But what made Sicheng smile a little is when Renjun’s voice grew weak, quieter, and less hostile. More on the soft side as seconds passed by. Until Renjun was just nothing but like that of a jelly puddle who dipped his head down his knees again, though hands still pressed against his ears.

“I’m proud of you. I’m very very proud of you.” If there’s one thing Sicheng learned when he was still studying Psychology, and even from his personal experience in life, it is everyone in this world loves to be praised once in a while. No matter how big or small the achievements are. To be told by someone that they are proud of you can change everything in a person’s life.

So Sicheng whispered it. Again and again in Renjun’s ears. Until Renjun refused to block his words any longer, as he allows the soft and warm voice of Sicheng praising him fill his head.

“I’m here to help you. Let me help you, Renjun. I want to help you.”

***

Renjuns likes slambooks. It’s another interesting fact Sicheng learned about his patient when their next consultation involves answering the said material. Silence engulfed the air except for the few screeches Renjun’s pencil made while scribbling on the thin sheet of glossy paper. At first, Sicheng was a little hesitant about the idea but when Renjun accepts the task without arguing, he thought the latter might have had a thing answering questions on a slambook.

It is a hundred items filled with personal questions that could be of use to Sicheng to learn more about Renjun’s personality. And it seems the younger has no problem writing on the spaces, and instead actually enjoying the little task. He would look up at the ceiling, eyes rounding as if searching for an answer, before leaning back down again to write. One of Renjun’s habits while thinking is pouting. His lips would form an adorable pointed pout, pencil tapping on the table before that same lips would crack a smile, and all too excitedly go back to answer. Occasionally, there are questions that would make Renjun issue a small giggle before scribbling without much thought. Sicheng found himself enjoying this temporary happiness that brightens up Renjun’s always gloomy face.

‘ _Happiness looks good on him.’_

“There, I’m all done,” Renjun’s voice brought Sicheng back to reality. He did not even notice that Renjun has stopped writing minutes ago, all too focused on the latter’s face.

Sicheng smiled, reviewing the slambook Renjun pushed in front of him. “Well done.”

Almost everything was answered. _Almost._ There are a few panels left unattended. Especially those in the best friend’s section and crush’s section.

Having left the _Let’s Talk About Love_ section empty is understandable for Sicheng. He gets that not everyone has a crush. Renjun doesn’t look like to be in a relationship either. Regarding that part, he’s still not sure how to judge the younger. People like him don’t seem to dwell much on relationships and temporary crushes.

‘ _Because “people” like him dwell on murdering someone instead? Is that it?’_ a provocative voice inside Sicheng spoke, probing his guilt where it aches more. Sicheng immediately regretted his choice of word.

However, back to reality, it’s simply impossible for Renjun to leave the best friend’s space empty. Everyone has someone they can consider a best friend or even a close friend. After all, no man is an island and Sicheng greatly believes in that saying.

“You do not have a best friend?” Sicheng questioned.

Renjun answered fast, without a hint of hesitation in his voice. “I don’t.”

“How about a close friend?”

“None.”

“Then just a distant friend?”

“Nothing that I know of.”

Sicheng puts back the slambook on the table before placing both of his hands in front. “Do you know what is a “friend” Renjun?”

Renjun lifelessly nods. “They are someone you can count on, someone you can ask for help, someone who will stick to your side, understands you, and accepts you for who you are.”

‘ _Damn it,’_ Sicheng was frozen when Renjun grins as he said the final words to his answer.

“Do you get it now, doctor?” Renjun spoke in his slithery tongue. “Everyone outside is boring motherfuckers. They’re not worthy to be my friend because they suck.”

“So you want a friend who would accompany you and lets you do your crimes? A crime partner, literally.”

Renjun’s smile falters, sighing as he looks away. “You don’t have to do the same thing to understand and accept someone, you know? After all, based on Sociology, no two people are really alike. That doesn’t give you the right to judge others with their flaws, don’t you think? As you have your own. Two people can agree on things, and disagree on the others. But at the end of the day, those who understand your mistakes and forgives you for it, those who accept you no matter how _questionable_ you are; only those people you can consider a friend.”

Sicheng’s mini alarm clock blared before he could even mouth his next question. And that concludes the end of their consultation, with Renjun leaving his office as the nurses assist him. His patient’s face is back to its full gloom, eyes downcast, and sadder than the usual.

And for the second time, Sicheng thought, happiness looks better on Huang Renjun.

***

“Officer, thank you so much for escorting me here,” Sicheng bowed in front of Johnny Suh, the police officer who came with him when he requested a visit to Renjun’s house address.

“Oh, it’s no problem, doctor. I’m only following my duties as a good officer.” the man replied.

Sicheng flashed a smile before taking in the sight before him. _Renjun’s house._ It is smaller than he originally thought for a family that runs a small business. It’s an apartment-like type with a spacious porch. From outside, it looks like one among all of the ordinaries in the neighborhood. Only the people who live here, the officer beside him, and Sicheng himself knew of the haunted things that took place inside.

“So this is where he lives, huh?” Sicheng can’t help but commented as Johnny works with the lock.

“Yeah, pretty much. The Huangs is renting this place. So you could imagine what the owner felt when she learned her property became the house of horror.”

“Ah, so they do not own this place?”

Johnny sighed after successfully opening the metal lock on the gate, swinging it open. “Yeah. Apparently, their business isn’t doing that great and despite the years of Mr. Huang working overseas, they never got the chance to purchase a house of their own. So they result in renting. Anyway, come on in.”

Sicheng took that information in before he followed Johnny in the tresses of the house. Like any regular crime scene, as of course the case is still ongoing, the apartment is still off-limits for the public (another reason for the owner to hate the Huangs). Yellow tapes are scattered everywhere, blocking every possible exits and entrance. Johnny simply tears them. “I’ll have my troupe put another set later,” he said.

“Here’s the living room, doctor. Search for anything you want, just make sure not to touch anything barehanded. And please do not mess or change the objects from their respective places. There are chances of the prosecutors dropping by here and then to recheck the evidence and the crime scene,” Johnny advised.

“Okay, I understand. Thank you, Officer.” Sicheng stretched the rubber gloves wrapping the whole of his hand. He looked around the crime scene and noticed a few things.

Though the living room, which he supposes is where Renjun did his crimes, is much cleaner than it was in the actual photos of the crime. The air smells of fresh fabric conditioner and bleach, probably to clean up all the blood. But with so much blood that once pooled this area, it is only understandable there are still dried stains of the crimson liquid sticking on the tiles of the floor. Sicheng looks at the feet of the sofa and shivers, remembering the split-second image of Mr. Huang’s head lolled in that exact spot.

Other than that, there is the remote control on the floor, the places where Mr. Huang’s limbs were chopped individually marked with white lines. The main body at the middle, right in front of the television screen. Sicheng avoids it with tentative steps.

After all, the reason why he came here anyway is to gather a few things and not to investigate the horrifying crime scene. Looking at it, and thinking of Renjun, he still can’t believe it was the latter who caused all this.

With the help of Johnny, the same officer who questioned Renjun at the station, Sicheng was guaranteed a pass to pick up some few things of Renjun’s. With the excuse of course that it’ll be for the sake of the boy’s therapy and medication (that can also help for the case). Sicheng plans to acquire the family’s photo albums. He has to understand Renjun’s relationship with his parents and to know that, he’ll be needing their photographs.

Unfortunately, he found nothing. At least, they are not located at the places where normal families would often put and stack their photo albums. Even Johnny helped with the search, only to fail at the said task.

There are two bedrooms, both just beside each other. The first bedroom is owned by Renjun’s parents. It is neat. The sheets straightened and the pillows all huddled in the corner. There are only a plain drawer and a closet, and a few luggage with old clothes inside.

That leaves them with the second room, which automatically goes to Renjun. Renjun’s room, Sicheng learned, is quite different from his parents. If his parent's walls were simply painted in plain white, Renjun’s are covered in yellow. Sicheng wonders if it was Renjun himself who requested for the bright color in his walls. The room is smaller than his parents’. Or maybe it’s just Renjun’s things holding the space that makes it look smaller than it originally was.

“Eh, the kid idolized a lot of celebrities huh?” Johnny said, scanning the view of Renjun’s room.

Johnny is right, Sicheng thought. Renjun’s walls are adorned with different posters of various K-Pop idols and American singers. There’s even a corner in the wall made for his idol’s postcards dangling in cute clips. The background is a recycled newspaper, Sicheng squinting his eyes as he read the words from one of the headlines. Sicheng chuckled. Renjun is quite the creative.

Other than that, Renjun owns a mini shelf. Stacked by a lot of books, magazines, and his collection of albums. There’s a cute chibi keychain Renjun kept in its original box and put on display instead along with the albums.

And the bed. If Renjun’s parents’ bed were neat clean and organized, his is a mess. The sheets are wrinkled and the covers are left unfolded at the side, all slumped messily. Somehow Renjun’s bed feels a little more... alive. That all Sicheng needs is to close his eyes and he’ll see Renjun sitting there. Or maybe his head on that still flattened pillow of his as he lay on his back, playing his phone.

Still, after thorough searching, they find nothing. Except for Renjun’s phone inside his closet. The device was off, refusing to restart. Johnny guessed the battery was probably drained. He decides to take it in the station in case more evidence will be found. Sicheng barely held himself back from snorting and saying, “You already have Renjun’s confession. What more proof do you want?”

‘ _It’s odd,’_ Sicheng thought. _‘Not even a single photo album?’_

They are close to losing hope when on their way out Renjun’s bedroom they discovered another room. Hidden by a curtain and another door, at the far end, was what they assume is a storage room. Cobwebs filled the dark and dusty space as they opened the door. No switch of light so Johnny had to use the flashlight on his phone so Sicheng could search on the piled-up things, mostly plates and glasses, that are yet to be used considering the Huangs is a small family. And old appliances that Sicheng guessed is hardly functioning.

Then he found it. Inside another dirty old bag that judging its smell and dirty appearance was left unattended for years now. And not only one photo album did he found, but _a lot_ of them. Sicheng decided to haul them all, putting it inside his own backpack instead.

“Did you get all you need, doctor?” Johnny asked.

“Yes. Let’s go,” Sicheng said in satisfaction.

On their way out, there’s one thing Sicheng noticed. He did not see a single family photo hanging on the walls. Sure there are the photo albums, but a picture frame of a complete family photo is a must in a house. However, the walls were only filled with Renjun’s pictures from his kindergarten graduation, to grade school, middle school, and high school graduation. _‘Wait, did Renjun failed to graduate in college?’_

Sicheng was so confused and curious that he asked Johnny that question. To which the latter answered with a shrug. “Yes, I heard the brat finished college. He’s a fresh graduate actually. Tsk. Such a waste, don’t you think? A beautiful future wasted just like that to someone like him. If I were his father, I’d be thankful I’m dead. I can never accept the fact that my only son threw away all those years I’ve spent paying for his education with one murder out of rage.”

It took Sicheng his all to stop spitting the words at the tip of his tongue in defense of Renjun. Something in him stirs, a feeling akin to scorn and objection after hearing Johnny’s words.

“Anyway, you know it’ll take some time before their student receives their graduation picture. It’s only unfortunate they won’t be able to hang it in this wall anymore,” Johnny added with a shake of a head as if he truly felt sorry to the situation. Which, in Sicheng’s eyes, is only a facade to cover up Johnny’s judgmental and ignorant nature.

‘ _Heh, Renjun is right after all. Some people truly are ignorant.’_

Sicheng scanned the walls one last time, observing the smile on Renjun’s face that seemed to falter and lose its light as years went by. Because from that innocent simple pursed of the lips Renjun had in his small and chubby little face in kindergarten, it’s sad to think it has turned to _this_. A photo of him years prior, in his high school graduation, where his eyes stare blankly ahead at the camera. The small curl of his lips come off as forced, smile void of joy and innocence. One that bears the cruel reality of a painful life.

***

Renjun is very adorable as a child, there’s no questioning about that. All the proofs of a happy childhood scattered on Sicheng’s table until midnight, photographs from years ago living right in front of him. Renjun had this charming and bright smile that eats his eyes every time he posed for the camera. The 5-year old little boy who always held a peace sign before he strikes a confident front.

The photo albums consist of different themes and sets of pictures gapping in years. Starting from when Mr. and Mrs. Huang’s wedding, to Mrs. Huang’s pregnancy, and then finally the birth of Huang Renjun. Renjun’s a very healthy baby when he was born. A very cuddly one so it’s no wonder a lot of unfamiliar faces want a picture of carrying the infant. And then it jumped to where Renjun is probably between 3-4 years old. A small outing to Hong Kong’s Disneyland. A photo of Renjun carried by an old woman (his grandmother perhaps?) at the airport. Little Renjun has this look of confusion, smooth baby skin puckered in his very first frown, as the camera flashed before them. He wears an adorable bucket hat that gives him a more cuddly appearance.

There are tons of pictures. From Renjun’s first meeting with Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse, from their picnics. Beach getaways where Renjun had a stolen shot while crying, too afraid of the boat he was riding despite being held by... Mr. Huang. From Renjun’s first day in the kindergarten where his eyebrows almost met for he isn’t ready to go to school yet (no one ever is). Then photos of Renjun and two little boys around his age; Renjun grinning so wide as he hung his arms on both boys. Renjun posing like a child model with his pair of Spiderman pajamas, and Renjun marching on the stage for his kindergarten graduation. The last photo, the _very last one_ from the final photo album, is a picture of Renjun kissing his mother on the cheek on the stage of his graduation.

And that’s it. It’s over. Like the years that follows after isn’t worthy to be captured in a camera’s lens. All of these photos are of happy memories, describing a happy childhood full of sunshines and rainbows. Anyone who’d see this will be fooled with the image of a perfect family who probably goes on trips every weekend. But Sicheng, on the other hand, will forever wonder about what happened next. Like a book with missing pages; he started from a very satisfying beginning, only to find out the middle part is ripped and nowhere to be found, simply jumping into the ending where everything just goes _wrong_.

Sicheng picked a picture, one of his favorites. Captured in the middle of New Year’s Eve celebration, where Renjun’s extended family is complete. Mr. and Mrs. Huang in the middle, in their arms is a four-year-old Renjun showing his teeth (or whatever teeth he has then) in the camera. An image of a complete, happy family. Sicheng wonders how did it come to this.

It’s almost too suspicious the innocence and pure joy these photographs exceed. If life is this good to Renjun, then why. Why did Renjun end up killing his own father? And is this really the extent of Renjun’s childhood? What about when he was 10 years old? Or a teenager? It’s like Renjun’s life has stopped after his graduation day in kindergarten.

Sicheng showed Renjun the photo albums in their next meeting.

“How did you-” Renjun looks so confused as he slowly turned the pages of the album.

Rubbing his palms under the table, Sicheng proudly smile. “I hope you won’t take this the wrong way but... I went to your house to actually find some pictures. And I found your family’s photo album. Thought it might help with our... therapy.”

Renjun simply hums, all too absorbed looking at the pictures from his past. He said a minute after, “I’ve been trying to ask my mom about this a lot of times before. I kinda wish I could look through these photographs again.”

At that moment Renjun looks _so calm_ , like he just found his solace and tranquil with these photographs. His eyes were filled with longing, his smile melancholic.

“You look very cute as a child. You own a very nice smile, Renjun.”

“Yeah. Many told me I did,” Renjun silently responded without looking up.

“And you also seemed to be a very sweet child huh? I noticed you like hugging your grandmother. Was that your grandmother?” Sicheng pointed at the small old woman he often noticed was carrying Renjun in a few of them.

Renjun nods. “Yes, she’s my grandmother from my mother’s side. My grandfather died when I was 2 years old according to my mom. If he’s alive he’s probably the one to carry me around all the time. They say he’s really fond of me, and I really love him too.”

“Really? How about your grandmother? You look close to her too.”

“I was.” Renjun finally looks up, smiling softly at Sicheng. “My family used to live with my grandmother. Until conflict arise between her and my mom so we were forced to move out. That’s why we have no permanent house address.”

‘ _So that explains it.’_ Sicheng nods in understanding. “But how about your grandparents on your father’s side? Where were they?”

Renjun does not answer but instead flipped through the photo album as if searching for something. And he is. He’s searching for a baby picture of him cradled in the arms of a thin old man. Renjun shows it to Sicheng who immediately took it.

“That’s my other grandpa, he’s the father of my dad,” Renjun announced.

“Oh.” It’s hard to know especially when Sicheng thought he’s just a mere family friend or a neighbor who adores the idea of carrying cute newborn babies. Sicheng never saw another picture of this man throughout the whole photo album, except for that.

“It’s because we hardly see each other. He lived in a different city than us. He’s living with his older son’s family. So we don’t really have that kind of relationship like the one I used to have with my grandma. Plus, his wife is dead way before so I never really had a chance to meet her too,” Renjun stated as if he just heard the question lingering in Sicheng’s mind.

He took back the photo from Sicheng’s hand and pushed it in its original space in the album. Renjun moved on, flipping the pages and studying each photo a little longer than a second, as if recalling the exact memory in his mind.

“Your mother and your father look really in love in that picture,” Sicheng pointed at a particular photo where Renjun’s parents were kissing.

Renjun’s response was a quiet mumble, and it took him a couple of minutes before it left his mouth. “Yeah, I guess they did.”

“Renjun, I noticed in the later photos, your father is absent. I learned that your father used to work overseas before he came back to start his meat processing business. Is that correct?”

A small nod was given to Sicheng.

“So... how many years did he work abroad? Along those years, how many times did you see him as you grow up?” Sicheng’s tone is careful when he opened that question to Renjun, afraid of what reaction he might trigger from the latter.

“Three.”

“Huh?”

Meeting his eyes, Renjun’s orbs held nothing but void. “I only saw him three times as I grow up. He left when I was seven years old. For 11 years the longest I've been with him is when he stayed for a month before he leaves again. Of course, that was until he decided he saved enough and permanently stay here to start a new business. The meat products.”

Sicheng thinks about it carefully. “But judging these photos you used to be very close to your father. Were you close to him before, Renjun?”

Renjun smiles. Again with that one that screams of danger. “Very close I would come with him anywhere and lie for him despite the risk of facing my mother’s wrath.”

“What do you mean by that?”

The sound of Renjun’s fingers tapping the table permeated the air as the younger male sat comfortably on his chair, smirking at Sicheng with his I-know-a-secret-and-I-won't-tell-you look.

“Wouldn’t you like to know, doctor?” he snickers.

“Renjun I just need to know what kind of environment you grew up with. We could use this in the case, it could help you if we proved to the judge and the jury that what drove you to commit your crimes is an untold past that affected and ruined your mental health as a child.”

It was a wrong move though. As Renjun was seething again after hearing the Psychiatrist’s words, his fingers stopped tapping the table underneath his palms. Instead, it curls into a ball.

“Are you blind, doctor, or just plain dumb? Can’t you see the proof right in front of your face? _There_ is my childhood! My past that your itching so bad to dig! It is a happy one. The kind that every child would be envious of. My father and mother raised me well, in a good environment, filling me with unconditional love that no one could ever give better than them.” Renjun paused, eyes down. “They’re the best parents in the world. And they’d always choose me first, all the time.”

“I don’t get it, Renjun. Your words and actions don’t make sense to me. You said you loved your parents with such sincerity swimming in the pools of your eyes, and yet your hands are tainted with their blood.”

Renjun’s lips stretched in a lopsided grin, fingers uncurling to tap once more on the flat surface of the table. “It doesn’t have to make sense for things to be true. Some things... are better left unsolved.”

Sicheng sighs, pulling the photo albums and closing them in, along with the pictures from Renjun’s _happy_ childhood. “I don’t know what is real or not anymore, Renjun. But there’s one thing I’m certain of.”

His patient simply stared at him, eyes daring him to continue and let the words at the tip of his tongue slip. So he did.

“You used to be a very happy child. Your life is no sunshines and rainbows, it is your smile that brought sunshines and rainbows in everyone’s life. If there’s one thing that I truly believed in, it is you. And your kindness. I refrain to believe such innocent and bright child like this suddenly decided to murder his father in plain rage. I wish you could open up to me, Renjun, let me in. I mean it when I said I want to help you. Besides, a smile like this is just what the world needs.”

“Sorry again for the disappointment but I don’t smile like that anymore. Or more like I can’t.”

“Then it’s really unfortunate. I don’t think it is your father’s death that I am mourning, Huang Renjun. It is the death of this bright, happy child you used to be. _I really really wish you could smile like this again someday._ ”

Renjun froze on his seat. He looks at Sicheng, surprised. His fingers trembled as it softly collided at the wooden surface of the table. After a fleeting moment of shock, a wide-eyed Renjun staring back, his eyes melted in the painful dust of sadness. Renjun muttered something under his breath, one that is easily blocked out by the sound of Sicheng’s alarm ringing, signaling the end of today’s consultation.

The black-haired boy looks away. Blinking repeatedly to stop the threatening tears from falling as the familiar words rang repeatedly in his ears.

***

Reading Renjun’s slambook profile shouldn’t be this interesting, at least that’s what Sicheng thought. But as he read longer, delving deeper to personal questions and Renjun’s smart answers to each of them, Sicheng found himself smiling, chuckling even, at the words that filled the blank lines.

He especially found entertainment reading Renjun’s favorites and hobbies.

_Favorite Color:_ _ Black and Blue _

_Favorite Song:_ _ All of T. Swift’s song because she makes me cry haha  _

_Favorite Singer:_ _ Taylor Swift, Super Junior, Apink, EXO, and Twenty-One Pilots _

_Favorite Artist:_ _ Vincent Van Gogh _

_Favorite Writer:_ _ If you’re talking about old poets, it’s def. Edgar Allan Poe but if we’re talkin’ bout this generation of writers, I’ll go with Suzanne Collins and Lang Leav. _

_Favorite Novel: T_ _he Hunger Games, Twilight (don’t judge my 13-year old self for smiling like a crazy lunatic every time Bella and Edward almost had sex)_ (This one specially made Sicheng burst into a peal of laughter).

 _Favorite Animal:_ _ Bird _

_Favorite Movie:_ _Frozen 1 and 2, The Human Centipede, Wrong Turn, and Cars_ (Again, Sicheng’s laughter loudly echoed in his office. Renjun... is truly unbelievable, he thought.)

 _Favorite Quotation:_ _ People still have their favorite quotations? :’/  _

_Favorite Subject:_ _ Art, Music, Physical Education _

_Favorite Hobby:_ _ Painting _

_Favorite Food:_ _ dumplings _

And again, there’s the best friend section part that Renjun left blank and empty. Sicheng moved on to the next page, the one about family. Where Renjun writes his mother as the person he’s most closest to between his parents. Renjun also wrote his mother when asked who is his superhero. As he continuously read, Sicheng can’t help but notice how Renjun adored his mother so much, always putting Mrs. Huang onto everything. The younger male also concluded the woman as his favorite person in life.

One whole page isn’t enough space for Renjun to write and talk about his most favorite memory with his mother as he also occupied the backside listing all of them. Whereas when asked about his father, not a single word filled the white sheet of paper.

Sicheng decided to ask Renjun about it personally when he met with the latter.

“Renjun, last time you said you used to be very close to your father. Can you recall some of the memories you two made together in your childhood?”

The younger stared blankly at his doctor before he opened his mouth to speak. “There’s a few of them, why?”

“Well, I just thought we could be closer once I get to know you better. You could start by telling me about the moments you spent with your father a long time ago.”

“And who told you I want you to know me better?” Renjun crossed his arms as he challenged Sicheng with his question.

Sicheng softly chuckled, pursing his lips into a thin smile. “Getting to know someone better isn’t something you’ll do because someone tells you to. Instead, it is something a person will do because he _cares_ and he _wants_ to.”

Renjun’s eyes might be glaring but his silence is a quiet declaration of defeat. Clearing his throat, the older continued.

“I read the answers you wrote in your slambook. They’re very entertaining, some of them are rather funny. I just noticed the difference in how you talked when asked about your mother and your father. And I’m telling you, there’s quite a big gap.” Sicheng paused. “You love your mother, don’t you Renjun?”

The younger bit his lips, head slowly nodding when he whispered in a very quiet hush, “I do. So much.”

“Then what about your father? Do the years of separation with him made him a stranger in your eyes?”

Again, he’s back acting exactly the way he would whenever he’s plainly embarrassed or doesn’t know what to say. With his head lolled down, hair covering half of his face as he plays with the fingers on his lap, Renjun remained silent.

“Renjun, do you still remember the last time your father celebrated a holiday, or maybe your birthday, with you?”

With Renjun’s answer, Sicheng surely heard his heart breaking a little for the boy.

“My father never celebrated those things with us, not that I remember, since he went away to work.”

“So you’re always with your mother.”

Renjun bobs his head in a silent yes.

“Hmm. So that’s why you loved your mother the most. Because she’s there always whenever your father is absent.” Yeah, Sicheng gets that. If he were in Renjun’s situation, he would surely fill a hole in his heart. Maybe a little resentment too for his father.

“My mother... is a very selfless person, Dr. Dong.” The Chinese doctor isn’t quite certain of the reason for his surprise. Is it the heartbreaking tone that almost cracked Renjun’s voice in the middle, or is it the way Renjun called him by his surname for the first time instead of just plain “doctor”?

“Whatever she did, it’s all for me. For our family. She’s the best mom in the world.”

“But how about your father? Is he not the best too?”

Renjun’s expression reminds Sicheng of dawn. The time in between darkness and daylight. There’s purity in it that smells of something bright, but there’s also the taste of the bittersweet wave of the moonlight.

“Of course, he is.”

“And what do you like most about your father?”

“ _Dumplings.”_

“Dumplings?”

Renjun only flashed another one of his mysterious smiles.

***

That same night, Renjun’s dinner was served in the usual silver tray alongside his medicine pill and warm clean water. But instead of the usual combination of the bland soup, stir-fried vegetables, and rice, on his tray was a place saved for dessert. It is not the slices of apple the asylum will serve sometimes. That sweet fruit will never be the cause of unbelievable laughter escaping under the breath of Renjun’s lips.

In a small space under his medicine is a pale yellow sticky note. Renjun took it.

‘ _Enjoy the dumplings, Renjun :) - Dr. Dong’_

It is a baffling and terrifying sight. That of Renjun cackling in the dim-lit room nonstop. Not even when his mouth is full and he’s trying to munch the cauliflower and bite his wooden chopstick in between his lips at the same time. His thin shoulders shaking while his feet did a mini celebratory step under the bed, resembling a child excited to play his new toy.

With the plates in his tray now empty (except for the one with vegetables, a fourth of its original portion were left since Renjun doesn’t like the evil thing, but thought he might as well start getting used to it if he’ll gonna spend the rest of his life in that place), the only thing remaining is the dumplings for dessert.

Renjun stares blankly at the soft buns. Lips no longer laughing and face no longer amused. Instead, it reverted to its former impassive appearance. An empty shell foreign to any kind of emotion.

When Renjun slowly adjusts the chopsticks in between the spaces of his fingers, surprisingly, that same hand is shaking. Trembling uncontrollably despite trying his best to calm it down. In contrary to his poker face, Renjun’s palm is clammy, sweaty, cold. Careful to pick up the piece of the soft little dumpling he loved and still love so much.

Once he succeeded, like a hungry dog, Renjun puts the food in front of his nose to inhale its mouth-watering scent. The cooling warmth of said food kissed the tip of Renjun’s nose as he inches his face closer.

Suddenly, a voice pop in his head. His voice. From a memory not too long ago.

“ _If there’s one thing I’d choose to eat in this world forever, it is dumplings. I’ll never get tired of eating dumplings.”_

With the pale dumpling right in front of his face, he can’t help but ask himself. Since when did his obsession with dumplings started really? He always knew there’s more to that than just its delicious feeling and fluffy texture. After all, dumplings are not just any regular food.

When Dr. Dong asked him earlier about a favorite memory he ever had with his father, he isn’t mistaken or fooling around when he answered in one word. _Dumplings._

_It was 2 a.m and six-year-old Huang Renjun stirred awake because of a gentle shake in his shoulder. His nose crinkled as he groaned, giving a pleasurable stretch on his limbs as he fell back to the comfort of his duvet, hiding underneath his covers. He is having the sleep of his life and it’s too early for his eyes to open up._

_But as much as Renjun is desperate to continue his sleep, so is the intruder of his slumber. Another shake arrived, along it is a gentle whisper in little Renjun’s ears. “Renjunnie, wake up sweetheart. Let’s go out.”_

_After another ten minutes of shaking and trying to wake the little boy up, Renjun is finally awake and grumpy. His red thin lips puckered in a pout and small arms crossed in front of his chest. Mr. Huang, who immediately head straight their home after finishing his work at the city, lovingly chuckled._

“ _Oh, why is my baby boy pouting? Are you not happy to see daddy again?” Mr. Huang cooed even harder when Renjun glares cutely at his father._

“ _Of course I am happy to see daddy. It’s just I still wanna sleep. Renjunnie is too tired to walk.”_

_Chuckling, Mr. Huang lifts up the small boy in his arms, pulling forward the hood of Renjun’s jacket to cover his head. “No problem then. Daddy will carry you until we reached our destination.”_

_It seemed to do the trick when Renjun’s eyes extended and he hugs his father’s neck with his small little arms, Mr. Huang laughter reverberates at his son’s still sleepy state. At the same time, Mrs. Huang finally finished putting on her sweater and scoffed at the two, playfully rolling her eyes but not without a small smile in her face. “This is why Renjun is always lazy to walk. It’s because you constantly carry him around.”_

“ _What can I do? I cannot say no to my baby boy, can I?” Mr. Huang playfully tickled Renjun under his chin, resulting from a slight giggle from the other._

 _The three left, walking in the middle of the night. The streets are quiet and the night is peaceful, the chilly wind from the upcoming Winter grazes their skin and faces. It’s a good idea Renjun is covered in his warm jacket, but because he’s still young, the cold breeze_ _easily gets to him so he hugged his father tighter, burying his face on the man’s neck. Mr. Huang snake another arm around little Renjun, his son sighing in content at the_ _added warmth._

Renjun’s memory of that year is too blurry. With the combination of his half-conscious, half-unconscious state and simply because he can’t really keep every single thing in his still young head. But he remembered the sound of the footsteps and the crispy crushing of the fallen leaves that Autumn like a song played just yesterday. He remembers the joyful laughter and the hushed whispers of his mother and father at the back of his sleepy mind. Despite his eyes closing in halfway, he can hazily recall the combination of green and orange and white lights from the food stall they were heading to. And that delicious smell of something that nudged awake the resting hunger in Renjun’s flat stomach.

Even the dreadful memory of something boiling hot burning the tip of his tongue is too clear to ignore. He heard the stern yet worried voice of his father freshly ringing at the back of his ears. Renjun doesn’t truly remember the exact words, but it’s okay. He doesn’t have to exactly recall them to receive the concern and affection his father is always willing to give Renjun.

“ _What do you call this dad? It’s so good,” Renjun said in a cutesy way, dolly eyes following the fluffy food his mother was feeding him as he chews its soft and dewy texture. His small feet swinging underneath the table._

“ _That is called a dumpling, Renjun-ah. It comes with many different flavors too. Not just this one,” Mr. Huang softly answered his grinning son._

“ _Really, dad? Then can we come back here again_ _to try another flavor?” Renjun looks up at his dad, blinking cutely at his father._

_Of course, who is Mr. Huang to say no to that very adorable puppy look of his only son?_

“ _Sure, why not? Only if you promise to walk on your own next time and to sleep early so mommy and I won’t have a hard time waking you up.”_

_Renjun almost immediately bobs his head in an enthusiastic nod. “I promise daddy!”_

_Mr. Huang pats his son’s head, happy at the agreement. “Okay, son. Now finish up your hot chocolate and your dumplings so we could leave and we could all sleep together because I miss hugging my baby boy to sleep!”_

_Renjun laughs, making a mental note to himself to follow his daddy’s conditions the next time the older came back after his work at the city._

_Admittedly, Renjun never truly adhered to his words. But Mr. Huang is more than glad to take his time gently poking the sleeping boy awake, and carrying the younger’s weight in his arms as they walk to that same food stall where Renjun’s family always eat the what Renjun says then is the "best food" in the world._

_It goes on for another month, that tradition. Until Mr. Huang decided to took the opportunity of working overseas. Still, every Sunday night Renjun would try to sleep early. Unconsciously waiting for that gentle poke on his shoulder, Mr. Huang’s voice whispering his ears to wake up, as he stretched his limbs and giggle at his already smiling father. But it never came. Not anymore._

_By the age of 10, Renjun stopped waiting._

There was a wet thing rolling at the dry patch of Renjun’s skin.

Renjun frowns. His free hand reaching out to touch the substance. He stares at the droplet on his finger, before he licks it with his tongue. It’s salty. Definitely a tear.

For the second time, he laughs at the incredulous phenomena. But is it really considered laughing when he is crying too at the same time?

Despite the salty tears welling his cheeks, Renjun took a bite of the soft dumpling Dr. Dong gave him. It is sweet and is filled with meat. It is very delicious. But not as delicious as the one he always eats with his father and mother. For all he knew, there was never any dumping that comes close to its taste.

Still, he smiled. Thinking of Sicheng’s face that always looks friendly and that same voice that is almost as gentle and warm as his father’s.

“Thank you,” Renjun silently whispered.

***

“So, did you receive it? The dumplings?” Sicheng asked the first thing when Renjun sat on the seat in front of him.

Renjun wordlessly nods, it made the doctor bloom into a smile. “Did you like it? I talked to Dr. Moon since patients aren’t usually allowed to have such treats but I managed to convince him either way.” The truth is, the hospital doesn’t really have enough money to indulge their patients with delicious food such as dumplings for dessert. But when Sicheng offered to buy it himself, Dr. Moon was given no more reason to decline.

“It’s okay, I guess,” was Renjun’s hush reply. “thank you” might be one of the words the male finds hard to say and Sicheng gets that. Through the first half of their session, he already felt it. Renjun’s silent way of gratitude that is not spoken but shown through his actions. With the latter’s cooperation and newfound focus and interest to whatever Sicheng was saying and asking.

After a few more basic questions, Sicheng moved on to much complicated ones that hopefully Renjun would give an answer to.

“Renjun, have you ever consulted with a psychiatrist before?” Sicheng needs to know. It is important for someone like Renjun to seek help as early as possible when the first signs show up. He wonders if Renjun ever told anyone about his distress. This isn’t something one can fight on their own. On the other hand, if Renjun already ended up in the worst possible case for someone diagnosed with a mental illness, Sicheng is nervous to hear the answer.

“I know about it, you know? My _problems_ ,” Renjun answered all too silently.

Sicheng urged him to continue.

Renjun painted a bitter smile on his lips. “I always knew I wanted to disappear. But to die? It doesn’t happen until I was in high school. With my failing grades, days of absences, those are the worst days of my life. I’ll close my eyes at night, and the last thought in my head was a silent plea for whoever deity was listening. “Please, let me die peacefully on my sleep.””

A rough chuckle escaped the younger’s lips. “But of course, the fact that I’m saying this to you says that not a single deity listened. If they exist, I was never their favorite.” Another laughter as Renjun looks away. “All my days were filled with grief and sorrow. All those hours, my mind was never quiet. Always thinking of the what-ifs, of my uncertain future, or if it exists, but more than that it is filled with the face of my mom. And how it would look so sad if she learned her only son was fucking up his future just because he’s so _so_ scared of all the possibilities of the unknown.”

“What are you scared of, Renjun?”

“The people, my classmates, my teachers, whatever they’ll say to me. I’ve been on dump, doctor. Haven’t been to classes for weeks without my mom knowing. But of course, no secret will be kept hidden forever. She learned to know that I never attended any of my classes for a couple of months. And when she did, that’s when I stopped caring. Before I just wanted a peaceful and not very painful death on my sleep. But when she broke down in front of me- that strong woman who just wants the best for her child- I wished I had the courage to pick a knife and stab myself. Maybe slit my throat. Because I am so guilty and so sorry. Out of all people, a worthless one like me became her son.”

“Ah, when I was a kid mental illness isn’t something I’m informed of. I have no name for these creative scenarios I always come up with in my head every Sunday night. I thought maybe I am weird. Because why... why am I crying every Sunday, worrying for Monday to come? Why can’t I enjoy my Friday night as my mind would always fast forward to Monday that won’t even come yet in two days? I was just 9 years old then, maybe 8. I don’t understand all these things. But it’s the torture I’ve grown up to. Always thinking for the worst to come. Always afraid and crying. I thought it’s the gravest until it isn’t.”

“What happened next?”

“But you already know it, doctor. My fear of public places. What is it called again? I only ever knew its name when I overheard that first therapist talking to that angry officer at the station.”

“Agoraphobia?”

“Yes, that. _I hate it so much_.”

“Tell me about it, Renjun.”

“As you see, I already had the worst life ever. And it seems like the world won’t ever give me a break by giving me another one of its shit. Now I can’t even enjoy a day at the park, or at the mall with my mom, or even at the school sometimes. Do you know the worst feeling ever? It is being helpless. It’s feeling like you’re not in control. Like someone- a very _cruel_ creature- is finding joy in torturing your life pushing all the possible buttons to make you suffer. Because _that_ is the last straw. That’s when I realized I can never have a normal life. Oh and in case it’s not obvious yet, I have anger issues too. For everyone, even if you asked my mom and my deceased father, Huang Renjun is a monster, a cruel child, cold and selfish and uncaring, a waste of space in this universe, very hard to deal with.”

“Have you ever talked about this to anyone? Seek any help?”

Renjun bursts in a peal of laughter like Sicheng just dropped down a hilarious joke.

“ _I’ve been asking for help all this time, doctor!”_

Sicheng is surprised at the outburst, but he managed to keep his composure. “I see. Will you please elaborate so I could understand better?”

Renjun released a sharp inhale. Mind rolling back to all those times he tried to seek comfort on other's warmth. When he asked an old friend to send him an encouraging message, _just one_ , only to give him the strength to go to school the next day. But he received none. That particular time he got bolder and actually told someone he wished to die. Instead, he got an angry response. Renjun had to apologize in the end because he _shouldn't_ have said that. There’s also a moment he used Art to give a clue, hoping someone will be curious enough to ask. Donghyuck did notice. Renjun clearly remembered his best friend's face as he laughed and told him he looked like one of those emo kids who wear ripped jeans, thick eyeliners, black eyeshadows, and cut their wrists for fun.

“I asked for help in all possible ways. Small, big, subtle, or direct. But everyone either laughed it off, told me it’s just a passing mood and it will get better or believed I was lying and only seeking attention for myself. Because apparently, you shouldn’t know yourself better than other people. Because for them, smiling is the face of depression. Because you shouldn’t diagnose yourself with these things for you are not a professional. And I get that but does that mean you have to just shrug all the heavy feelings off? Does the lack of knowledge also means lack of understanding of your _own_ thoughts and emotions? I asked for help, been screaming all my life. But no one ever lends a hand. Because a true helpless will simply keep it all to themselves they say. Because when you want to die, you aren’t allowed to say it out loud. They will never believe you, no one ever does. Until, of course, you’re dead.”

Renjun shakes his head, lips curled in a small smile. “I would go to a Psychiatrist, but I can’t even afford someone like you, Dr. Dong. In this world, help will not come to you if you have no money to buy it. In my case, the only reason you’re here is that I killed my father. That’s my payment for the help all of you are offering.”

***

A few days later, Sicheng got a call from Johnny to come to the police station. According to the officer, his crew is done inspecting the younger Huang’s cellular and Sicheng can freely use it to his sessions with the suspect. So of course, Sicheng drops by at the station the very next day to acquire the object from the police.

What he did not expect is a male around Renjun’s age exiting Johnny’s office with a woman probably around her early 50s. The deep frown etched at the woman’s face is quite prominent while the tan-skinned male behind her is shyly rubbing his nape, bowing to Johnny as they exchange words that Sicheng is too far yet to hear. Though he did pick up Johnny saying his thank you to the very unhappy woman and laughing awkwardly before the younger male nudged her to walk away.

“Thank you for your cooperation again, Mrs. Lee!” Johnny said one last time as the two guests passed by Sicheng, exiting the police station.

“I didn’t know you have guests,” Sicheng started once he got close to Johnny.

“Oh, that? Well, I gotta say I’ve had a really hard time convincing those two to give their testimonies regarding Mr. Huang’s murder. But it’s very important, especially Lee Donghyuck’s statement so indeed I tried my best to convince his mother it’s for the sake of our society once someone like Huang Renjun is put to jail-”

“Wait, did you say Lee Donghyuck? _Donghyuck?_ ” Right. He remembered Renjun mentioning a Donghyuck from their recent meeting. Though he doesn’t know who that kid is to the male.

Johnny urged him in inside the office and Sicheng quietly follows, waiting for Johnny’s reply that came after a few seconds. “Yeah. The Huang kid’s best friend and classmate. Everyone who knows Renjun says he often hangs out with that Donghyuck boy. Thought he might have some information to share with us regarding, you know, Renjun’s psychotic tendencies.”

“Johnny-ssi, I would really appreciate it if you’d choose your words carefully upon describing my patient. He might be his father’s killer but he’s not a psychopath who murders everyone he sees. There are proper terms to use, maybe mental illness would do.” Something inside Sicheng snapped and before he knew it, he had already spoken his thoughts out loud. Which he does not regret.

Johnny’s face merely marred with surprise at Sicheng’s outburst. Once it fades though, the officer raised both his hands in a fake surrender and said in a jeering voice, “One kill doesn’t make him normal though.”

‘ _Oh God, just how moronic could he be?’_ Sicheng seriously wants to pull his hair off at the frustration piling up in his chest. Don’t get him wrong, he does not support whatever it is that Renjun has done. A crime is a crime and Renjun still has to pay for what he did to his father. But Renjun, in Sicheng’s eyes, is not just a plain murderer. He’s not just that ungrateful and monster of a child who killed his own parent. As days passed by, every time he learns something new about Huang Renjun, he does not see the psychopathic murderer everyone judged him to be. The kid is not even just a simple patient for Sicheng at this point anymore.

Renjun is a human. A young boy who once owned the brightest smile and biggest heart. But is now a poor soul unfortunate enough to suffer from the darkness of his own mind.

Will it be too wrong of him to feel pity for a murderer?

Before Sicheng drowns himself pondering over his own thoughts, Johnny cleared his throat calling for his attention. Renjun’s mobile phone was handed to him in a plastic seal.

“That is Huang’s phone. Unfortunately, nothing interesting was found in there. We did not change or delete anything so don’t worry.” A snort came out of Johnny. “More like all we found is cheesy screenshots of poems and conversations probably with his lover. Stupid kid.”

Sicheng bit back his tongue to not say anything more to the officer, lest he wants Renjun’s phone to be taken out of his hold. Hiding his pale knuckled inside the pocket of his coat, Sicheng gritted a goodbye to the snobby man.

When he finally left the station, that’s where he finally inhaled the fresh air away from the polluted air that Officer exudes every time he opens his mouth to say stupid words. Oh well, at least Sicheng had Renjun’s phone in his hands now.

On his way to his parked car, Sicheng saw the same sun-kissed boy from earlier. Though this time, he is alone sitting at the waiting shed, phone on his hand. The woman, probably his mother, is nowhere to be found. Donghyuck is bobbing his head in an up and down rhythm while he listens to whatever song playing in his earphones. Sicheng took that as a sign to silently approached the unaware boy.

“Hi. Donghyuck, right?” Sicheng said in a friendly tone accompanied by a bright smile.

Donghyuck, upon noticing his presence, removed the earbuds plugged in his ear and hesitantly nodded. “Yes, that’s my name.”

“Great. I heard from Officer Suh that you are a friend of Renjun? And that you two are very close together,” Sicheng sat beside Donghyuck, not minding when the latter cautiously moved away to maintain the distance between them.

“Why do you ask?”

“You see, I am Renjun’s doctor, Dong Sicheng. I just wanted to ask you if you could tell me things about your friend-”

“Renjun and I were not friends anymore.”

“Huh?” Sicheng blinks rather dumbly at the boy.

Donghyuck repeatedly shakes his head, voice trembling a little as he scoots away. “I said we are not friends anymore.”

“But Johnny says you two used to be very close together-”

“That was before! Before he... he...” Donghyuck swallowed his thick saliva and looks away. Just thinking of the gruesome thing his so-called “best friend” has done makes his stomach swirl in an unpleasant turn. “Whatever. I did my part. That officer promised me I won’t have to testify again. They already recorded my statement and it should be enough. Why would I have to talk about that crazy murderer anymore?”

Sicheng stopped. For a minute, he just stared at the frightened boy, unmoving. Among those seconds he was trying to figure out if what he heard was real. That what really came out of this boy’s lips is real.

But before he could open his mouth, Mrs. Lee, Donghyuck’s mother, scurries over them and roughly pulled his appalled child to her side. Then she glares and pointed a finger at Sicheng. “You. Whoever you are, leave my son alone, okay? Whatever his past is with that criminal kid, he wants nothing to do with that anymore! We already gave our statement to the police in a promise that our names will not be associated with that murderer! So leave my son alone unless I report you for harassment!”

In the end, Sicheng stands up without any further words. But before he left the two alone, he made sure to offer Donghyuck an empty smile.

“Renjun is right. He has no friends. Sorry for the bother, Lee Donghyuck, Mrs. Lee. I should go now.”

Sicheng left without waiting for an answer. It’s no wonder he failed to see the small droplet of a tear rolling down Donghyuck’s left eye.

That night, once Sicheng is comfortably situated on his bed, his memory recalls everything that occurred at the police station. From Johnny’s rubbish opinions to Lee Donghyuck. Just thinking of it filled Sicheng’s chest with unwanted negativity that inflames his heart in anger. He’s very mad, to be honest. And sad. For his patient, Renjun.

He knows Renjun is wrong, and if he’d listen to the rational voice in his brain, he’d even understand the root of all of these negative criticisms. But will it ever make anything better? Will harsh words, cold treatment, and blaming turn back time and stopped what has happened? Will it ever _change_ a thing? It might. It might make things ten times worst than it already is.

Though the doctor has studied Psychology which literally focuses on people’s behaviors, sometimes he still finds himself frustrated over people. Asking himself why they have to act the way they are acting, like a creature worst than an animal. A heartless beast.

Sicheng flipped on his bed and eyed Renjun’s phone resting on his bedside table. _‘Oh right, I still have to check it.’_

So he did. Fortunately, Renjun’s phone is at the 50% battery percentage. _‘They must have charged it at the station.’_ An automatic smile pops up Sicheng’s lips when Renjun’s lock screen was put in display view.

A photo of him and his mother. For a second, he studied Renjun’s smile. If he’d calculate it, the photograph is taken recently. Though he’s not sure how recent, but Renjun’s already in college. And it seems like they are in a big event considering Renjun’s attire and the background setting. Renjun’s smile is pretty. Not like the one he had when he was a child but Sicheng figures this is the realest Renjun could ever put on in his face. Still, it is very pretty.

Renjun doesn’t have a password, his wallpaper is of his favorite celebrity. Other than that, his phone is pretty normal without any of those themes and fonts those around Renjun’s age like to design their phones with. Renjun doesn’t own a single game either, his apps mostly contained those for SNS, Netflix, and Spotify. Pretty boring if you’d ask Sicheng. But maybe that’s how Renjun prefers it.

Sicheng opened Renjun’s gallery first. If there’s one thing a person should look at onto someone’s phone, it’s always the gallery. Or maybe he just really wanna see more photos of Renjun smiling. There should be more because people these days love taking selfies, right?

Wrong. Renjun doesn’t have pictures of himself in his gallery. But Sicheng is still scrolling through thousands of photos, but the lack of photos from this year and last year worries Sicheng a lot. What filled Renjun’s gallery are photos of idols, memes, cute pictures of dogs, and piles of screenshot Sicheng would surely read one by one another time.

‘ _Finally,’_ Sicheng breaks into a sigh of relief when he reached the album from two years ago. _‘Wow, Renjun never empties his files, huh?’_ he thought. He scrolled and scrolled. Smiling and chuckling at the adorable selcas Renjun took. Sicheng learns that that time, from two years ago, Renjun blessed his phone with a lot of photos of himself. In his school, in his room, with his mom, eating at the cafe, and those with Lee Donghyuck.

Sicheng stares hard at the screen. This one was shot at a Christmas party. Donghyuck and Renjun got matching Christmas headbands and the same colored outfits. Arms around each other, and Donghyuck just towering a little over a very small and adorable looking Renjun.

When Sicheng scrolls fast again, ending the last year’s set of photos, the gallery is back to idol’s selfies and random memes. Though there’s a couple of pictures of Renjun here and there, there isn’t much like there is in 2018. Sicheng also read poems that Renjun saved and took a photo of from his favorite book. They’re all sad and left a clenching feeling to Sicheng’s heart after reading them. But other than that, Renjun’s gallery is also full of artworks saved from his Instagram page. Only confirming the boy’s interest in art even further.

By 2016 there’s a painting Renjun made out of watercolors. It is of two boys. The one had a happy expression, eyes smiling and radiating joy from the bright color Renjun used to draw his face. While the other one, the boy he’s sharing an earphone with, is expressionless. Cold eyes staring at Sicheng over the screen. But there’s a small curl in the way his lips were painted. He seems to enjoy the company of the other boy.

At the bottom of the page, something is written. Sicheng has to zoom in the image to read it. And when he did, he had to steady and pacify his trembling hands.

“ _For my not best friend because he’s my brother.”_

_Renjun x Donghyuck_

_Brothers Forever!!!_

Sicheng dropped the phone and hurriedly, he pulled his backpack and dig for Renjun’s slambook. There’s a burning sensation in his lungs when he found it, almost ripping the pages looking for _that particular question._ And when he did, Sicheng covered his mouth in a painful sob. How could he fail to notice this before?

_Name of Brother/s:_ _ **Lee Donghyuck** _


	2. 2/4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for the grammatical errors. This is also unbetaed. We die like women, lol. Neways, support NCT 2020!
> 
> \- sungchan

The amount of sleep Sicheng had last night was barely four hours, caffeine consuming his body being the only energy booster he needed to fully function. He should’ve known better before spending the rest of the night looking through Renjun’s gallery and the clock striking at 3 a.m before he’s aware of it. Now he had to fight his yawn throughout the whole day at work, even his boyfriend Yuta warns him that it’ll happen (which is very bad for his line of work, just imagine what his patient would feel if the doctor they’re venting out to is yawning all the time) after a good scolding of course.

The mini alarm clock Sicheng brought flashes 2:55 p.m. He had survived his morning consultations and now he just had to survive another two this afternoon. One of them is with Renjun.

“Wow, you look... terrible,” Renjun deadpans once he’s comfortably seated on his usual chair.

“Thanks. You don’t look so good yourself too,” Sicheng answered in sarcasm, too late to blame it on the effect of too much coffee beans in his system that he just blurt those informal words out loud to Renjun like their relationship is more than a doctor and patient one. Sicheng wonders how Renjun will respond to that.

To his surprise, Renjun chuckled rather amused. Sicheng gapes at him. At any rate, what he said was true. Renjun looks restless and sleepless too. The prominent dark bags outlining the soft skin under his eyes come to have grown worst day by day. _‘Is Renjun ever sleeping?’_ His skin is disturbingly pale but in comparison to their first meetings, there are changes on that usual somber face. And that change is very definite the longer Sicheng fixed his eyes on the said boy.

His eyes might look tired but in a way, there’s serenity in it. His face is clearer and uncommonly bright. And was that a smile on his lips? Not a mocking or cynical smile Sicheng would only ever see, but a sincere one.

And so, his first question slips past his lips. “Are you happy today, Renjun?”

A sigh escaped Renjun’s lips, lips breaking into a wider smile when he studies the succulent plant on Sicheng’s table. “Today is a good day, Dr. Dong.”

“Is it? So did you finally had a good sleep?”

Renjun shook his head no, mouth pouting a little. “It’s okay, but not enough to be considered good. I’ve.... never really had a good sleep since forever.”

“What could you possibly be thinking that your mind’s keeping you awake all night?”

“Things.” There’s finality on Renjun’s tone and the one-word answer implies that Renjun doesn’t wanna talk about it. Sicheng nodded in understanding and let him be, after all, he have some more important questions to talk to Renjun with. He’ll get back to this sleeping matter, that the doctor is sure of.

“By the way Renjun, do you really not have a best friend?” Sicheng carefully inquired.

Renjun shakes his head, eyes looking amazed at the succulent plant while he touched the pot with his fingertips.

“How about a brother? Do you have one?”

Sicheng waited for Renjun to answer, but the latter remained silent for a few seconds before he nods his head, eyes soft when he faced Sicheng. “I had one.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong but... Lee Donghyuck is his name, right?”

“That is him.” Renjun straightened on his seat, crossing his arms.

The doctor has no heart to tell Renjun about what happened yesterday with Donghyuck. The boy is beaming just by the mention of said name. For the first time, he finally saw Renjun’s authentic smile, happiness gracing his features. He cannot bear to wipe it out with his news.

“I see. So, I have your phone here.” He plucked out Renjun’s old phone from his bag and pushes it in front of Renjun. “I scrolled through your gallery and saw a bunch of photos. You and Donghyuck are really close, huh?”

“Wait- you look through my photos?” Renjun said in alarm.

Sicheng blinked. “Uh yeah?”

There’s a red tint on Renjun’s pale cheeks before he slams his head down the table, groaning in embarrassment. “Oh, God. I look like a fucking pig on my photos. This is so embarrassing,” Renjun murmurs all that but Sicheng caught it nonetheless.

It made him laugh. “Come on, there’s nothing wrong with your pictures.”

“Of course, there is! My whole face is the definition of all things wrong and hideous!” Renjun argues when he playfully glares at Sicheng before scrolling through the pictures on his own. Face still flustered and cheeks red. “Oh God, I look gross. Why did I even take this shits?”

“Isn’t it because you’re happy?” The question silenced Renjun. Sicheng grabbed the phone from the other male’s hand and zoom in Renjun’s photo himself. “Look at this, all from last last year. That is where you’re at your happiest, right? Is that where things felt a little better?”

Renjun nods, melancholia on his face. “When we were really at the peak of our extreme happiness, we tend to forget our surroundings. Our own insecurities were briefly washed away from a split second. And we smile, we laugh. No matter how you think your laugh sounds ugly, or how your smile looks horrible. Because that’s the face of real happiness, Renjun. Without all the worries, without all the fears, you just... smile.”

There’s a photo of him laughing. It’s a stolen shot of Donghyuck while they were eating at the cafeteria. It’s a little blurry, but it was captured perfectly. His smile.

Sicheng thinks it’s really beautiful. He hopes Renjun thinks the same too. Because it’s the truth.

“It was Donghyuck who took this.”

“Oh.”

“And you’re right. This is... one of those rare times where sadness is a stranger to me. Donghyuck always managed to capture me in my best moments.”

“But you also managed to paint Donghyuck in the best way,” Sicheng smiled, holding Renjun’s hand.

“You see that?” Renjun chuckled, referring to the watercolor painting he did from years ago. Somewhere in his room, the artwork is still there. He never had the courage to give it to Donghyuck, thinks it’s too cheesy and everyone knows Renjun hates cheesy. Especially Donghyuck.

“It’s wonderful. You’re a very good artist, Renjun. Donghyuck is lucky to have you as his brother.”

But Renjun shakes his head no, smiling regrettably. “No. I am lucky to have him. Did you know why I never called him my best friend?” With Sicheng’s silence, Renjun continues. “It’s because I never had a friend. All those people I considered my friend in high school are just... fake assholes who’s never really been there for me. That’s probably why I became so unfriendly. That when I met Donghyuck, he says my character scared him off. Because well, I used to believe in people, but when that trust was put to waste, nothing was left. Maybe that’s why I was the most unfriendly people you’ll ever meet. Because I feel like I don’t need them. I don’t need any friends.”

“Donghyuck, he’s the only one who stayed. He pisses me off with his loud mouth and he never stopped talking, I hate it whenever he declines other people’s invites just because I am not included. I hate that he’s always the one who says sorry first whenever we had an argument that _I_ started. I hate that he always choose me and that he treats me with tteokbokki when we were sophomores in college. No one ever does that to me. I hated that he’s always clinging, always smiling whenever I reject his position as my best friend. He’ll tell me instead that it’s because he is my brother.”

“You... doesn’t really hate him, do you?” If Sicheng were to fully evaluate Renjun’s words, all those things he said about Donghyuck was certainly the latter’s positive traits. There’s no reason Renjun would hate him for it.

Renjun’s face looks so broken, so shattered, when he shakes his head. “No. I don’t. I hated him because he’s always proving me wrong.” Then he looks back at the succulent like it’s the only thing he sees before Renjun was escorted out of the door by Fei.

Back at his cell, Renjun sat hugging his knees on the bed. Inside his head, the Chinese male tried to remember Donghyuck’s sun-kissed skin, beautiful eyes, cheerful voice, and joyful laughs.

“ _Ah Renjunnie, why do you always reject me?” A pouting Donghyuck asked once again after another yet stern but playful rejection from Renjun._

“ _Aish Haechan, let go of my arm it’s hot!” Renjun’s poor attempt to wriggle his way out of Donghyuck’s strong hold._

“ _I know it. The reason why we are not best friends.”_

“ _Yeah, because we’re not.”_

“ _Not. It’s because we’re brothers! Brothers not by blood but by bond! Yay!”_

The first time Donghyuck proved Renjun wrong was when he stayed, no matter how many people were waiting to be his friend out there. No matter how hard it is to be with the latter. He stayed and proved Renjun that he was wrong. That Donghyuck is not like any others.

The second and probably the last time Donghyuck proved Renjun wrong was when he finally disappeared without a proper goodbye. No matter how much he says he knew Renjun better than anyone in the past, no matter how big the number of promises he told. He left and proved Renjun that he was right all along. Lee Donghyuck... is just the same as others after all.

“You always told me you know me better than anyone, Haechan. _You should’ve known better then._ ”

***

After a long week, a relaxing Friday night is what Sicheng needed the most and it is exactly what his boyfriend, Yuta, delivered. As both got off from work at the same time, Yuta picked him up at the asylum, heading to Sicheng’s apartment after. Yuta stayed the night over and the couple spends the evening eating Chinese take-out as they’re too tired to dine in. They cuddled at the couch while a newly released movie from Netflix played on Sicheng’s flat screen. For the doctor, it is not much, but being wrapped in Yuta’s strong arms, and inhaling the other’s fresh citrus scent, is the best feeling ever. Of course, they shared a few conversations here and there, talking about their day at work, but Sicheng doesn’t ponder much on it as recalling them only means remembering all the stress that comes with it. Plus, he knew Yuta feels the same.

Once the movie is done, the two situated themselves on Sicheng’s bed that is large enough to occupy two grown-up bodies. At some point, it’s not like Sicheng minds pressing himself to Yuta’s chest.

“By the way, babe, how’s Renjun?” Sicheng knows Renjun plays a huge part in his job at the asylum but at the same time, he’s not just that. He began talking about Renjun to Yuta in a way like how one would talk about their friend or a relative. And he would have stopped if Yuta is uncomfortable but sometimes, maybe more often than he thinks, Yuta would always ask about Renjun first. Would listen attentively to Sicheng as he talked about his patient’s progress and condition.

And dare he thinks, his boyfriend is also a bit concerned with Huang Renjun.

“It’s... horrible. I met with his friend, actually the only friend he has, and said friend doesn’t even want anything to do with him anymore. It’s sad, really. You know how I always believed broken friendships are ten times heartbreaking than a broken relationship,” Sicheng whispered.

Yuta hums, fingernails tracing on Sicheng’s shoulder. “Does Renjun know?”

“I think he does. In a way, the fact that no one ever visited him since he arrived at the asylum, it’s a message. His old friend, even his relatives, their silence clearly says something.”

“No wonder that kid suffers a lot out there. He deserves better, no matter how big his crime is. Each of us always deserves better.”

Sicheng nods in silent agreement. He kept staring at the plain ceiling, trying to visualize and draw Renjun’s smiling face in his head. That boy who used to have the brightest smile, and that boy who now holds despair in his eyes.

It was when Sicheng’s eyelids are finally starting to grow heavy when he read a loud _ting_ coming from the top of his drawer. He opens an eye and turned to the direction of the sound where light emanates from the device placed in there.

_Renjun’s phone._

‘ _What the-’_ Of course, Renjun’s line is still active. After all, it hasn’t been a month yet since all of this fiasco ensued. He just didn’t expect it’d receive a notification, lest a message based on the yellow mail envelope from the notification panel.

Yuta is already asleep so Sicheng carefully picked up the phone, swiping the screen with a pounding heart.

He frowns when he read the sender’s name.

_**A new text message from Nana <3 ** _

Sicheng opened it.

_**From: Nana <3** _

_**Message: Hey. Idk if you'll receive this but I hope ur**_ _**doing good! :)**_

Driven by interest and his overwhelming need to know the identity of this sender, Sicheng shoved down his respect for people’s privacy and instead scrolled at the last message which is... _oh_. From this Nana too. Dated back last year, 2019 December.

_**Nana <3: hi ** _

_**Nana <3: i just wanna say that i hope you’re happy now. even without me. ** _

Sicheng scrolled up and reach all the texts before it. It’s mostly from this Nana, with Renjun giving absolutely no response. Renjun stopped responding on August 15, 2019.

_**Nana <3: Where are you? Please, I’m worried.** _

_**Nana <3: Are you seriously doing this again to me, Renjun? You’re leaving me? ** _

_**Nana <3: Are you really this coward? Breaking up with me without a proper goodbye.** _

_**Nana <3: at least have the heart to**_ _**say sorry for breaking my heart and disappointing me again for the nth time, you coward.**_

_**Nana <3: I hate u so much.** _

_**Nana <3: please answer my calls. ** _

_**Nana <3: i swear to god, Huang Renjun! If you leave me now, this will be the last time. I am giving up. I’m so**_ _**fucking tired.**_

 _ **Nana <3: Do you not love me anymore?**_ _**You always do what you want, always disappearing, and leaving then comes back like it’s nothing. Like you never hurt me. Why, Renjun?**_

_**Nana <3: You don’t deserve happiness. You don’t know how to love. You only ever hurt people, Renjun. You’re a monster. ** _

‘ _So there is someone,’_ Sicheng thought. This Nana, whoever she is, she’s Renjun’s lover. And apparently, they ended up things pretty badly. It’s just odd how this Nana sent a text message that night after so many months without any fill of communication. Could she have known about what happened to Renjun?

‘ _But it’s really hard to know. If she’s Renjun’s age, I’d bet she doesn’t spare the newspaper a glance, let alone read its headline. Plus, the news doesn’t really reveal Renjun’s information,’_ Sicheng concluded. Still, it’s hard to know.

He was about to exit when something caught his eye. A draft on Renjun’s inbox directed to this Nana. Sicheng read it.

_**To: Nana <3** _

_**Message: I’m sorry. I love you.** _

_**Unsent: November**_ _**15, 2019**_

***

_Renjun is 18 and still, he has no idea about love. When he was 13 he owned a journal, in there he wrote all the things he wanna do once he found the “love of his life”. The one which he hopes will be his first and last love. He would imagine walking the streets of Paris with her, hand in hand, celebrating white Christmas on a cold winter night. Everything will happen just like in movies. A love so strong it will take all the risk and fight against fate and destiny. Renjun wants that. In his young mind, the Chinese male had this image of a perfect girl; not too tall, skin as white as marble, with pretty red lips and shiny raven hair. She would laugh like an angel and talk like a Goddess. She is understanding, loving, and warm. She will love Renjun with all her heart._

_By the age of 18, he thought he’d already meet her. And he will give his all to her, as she will to him. Alas, things don’t go the way he planned._

_As years passed, the image of that girl and happy life and family he’s always dreaming of vanished. Faded like ashes gone along the wind. He realized, love is not that simple. It has complications and differences that even love itself cannot fix and avoid. By the age of 18, slowly, Renjun realized, love is not for him._

_He never questioned his sexuality. But meeting Na Jaemin, that boy with a dazzling smile and beautiful bright eyes that will put any sun into shame, he made Renjun question everything he knew about love, and mostly about himself. Renjun never once thought he’d end up with a boy. But he did, and everything doesn’t feel so wrong as what he’d thought about the same-sex relationships when he was 14._

_Jaemin is understanding. Though he is taller than Renjun and he is definitely not shy and quiet, Renjun enjoyed every single minute Jaemin would spend just talking about literally everything. Jaemin became his muse, his inspiration for every Art he crafted. The only time he felt the most wonderful was when Jaemin smiled- eyes sparkling with so much joy- because of him. Any efforts of Renjun is enough to make the taller bathe in so much happiness. Though when he first met Jaemin one Summer afternoon, on a bus stop in the same city, Renjun never once imagined that boy with cotton candy pink hair to be his living daydream. And a nightmare._

_It was Jaemin who confessed first, on his own birthday. They lived in different cities and had only met once- the first time they met. For Renjun, it was meeting someone for the first time and feeling like you have known each other for so long. So he doesn’t hesitate when Jaemin asked for his number, as he craved another conversation with the boy. At exactly Jaemin’s birthday, August 13, Renjun received a letter in their doorstep. A handwritten letter from Jaemin that spoke of the latter's love confession._

_Renjun did not give his response until he was completely sure. For all his life, he’s never been in love. Only feeling simple attraction and false infatuation that fades away in time. He’s scared Jaemin is nothing but an object of excitement, he’s afraid he might give the wrong answer thinking otherwise. After all, Jaemin is new, and new people and friends make Renjun’s rather boring life more tolerable. But a small part of him knew Jaemin is different. He makes Renjun’s heart swell in so much happiness with one simple message. Renjun isn’t easily flustered but Jaemin makes it his job to paint the widest smile on Renjun's cheek it sometimes hurt whenever he sends cheesy pickup lines to the other. With Jaemin, Renjun can talk nonstop and not feel bad about it after. With Jaemin, Renjun felt like he is understood._

_If that is love, then maybe, Renjun was in too deep._

_So Renjun said yes. And even though they mostly talked through video calls and text messages, it was okay. They promised to see each other when they graduate when they both have something to be proud of. Renjun has this idea of going to Jaemin’s graduation and giving him a bouquet of red roses, Jaemin’s favorite. He was also planning to tell his parents the truth about his sexuality before introducing Jaemin to them. With Mrs. Huang, he is sure he won’t have any problems. He’s just not sure about his father._

_2018 is a year of happiness for Renjun. He’s getting better. He had Jaemin to confide to whenever his sadness is eating him up. He’s doing well in his academics and everything started to glow in a brighter light. Gone are the nights in darkness, Renjun greets every morning with a smile on his face. And the newfound confidence everyone helped him build._

_Maybe that’s why it’s such a surprise why everything goes downhill by 2019. The darkness missed Renjun all too much it doesn’t let him see a single glimpse of light once it hugged him. Suddenly, his emotions are everywhere. His overwhelming anger, the painful sadness, the horrifying nightmares, and the rare occasions of makeshift happiness. It’s all too much, and it’s all Renjun knows. Either it is all he feels and hears, or there’s nothing at all. There’s no in-between. It came out strong, too strong, that Renjun lost hoped he would ever see the light again._

_And Jaemin? His place of tranquil, his home, the one who always understands, suddenly feels so far away. Or maybe it is Renjun who ran so far away from him. Until neither can reach each other. And by trying to get to him with his extended hand and hopeful smile, Renjun knew Jaemin is getting tired too._

_Gone is Renjun’s new dream. The dream of living a happy life with his Nana. For when he closed his eyes and tried to imagine his future, to God he swears Renjun saw none._

_It is not up to people, Renjun learns by then. People are not the one who strengthens love and fights for it, rather they are the one who destroys it, giving it up in the end. Love is not complicated. The people and every emotion in between except for love are._

_There is love in Renjun’s heart. But when he decided to leave Jaemin it is almost non-existent. Because Renjun is drowning. In pain, in sadness, in darkness, lost in the abyss and not a single direction to trace his way home._

_At age 13, Renjun thought love will save him. By age 19, he lets go of love to save Na Jaemin._

“So you think Jaemin will be happy after you disappeared in his life just like that?”

Renjun shook his head, a blue smile lingering in his expression. “A one time pain is better than everyday suffering.”

“Not true. Jaemin will suffer. Even after 10 years, there will be times he’ll recall this. And the pain? The unsaid goodbyes? All the what-ifs and his questions that will forever be unanswered because you left without a single word? It will haunt him forever. Will always question his worth as a lover and as a human being. He’ll always wonder if it’s his fault. And that’s the thing Renjun, when people leave each other without bothering to say goodbye.”

Sicheng sighed, seeing as Renjun has no intention of responding. It is complicated if you’ll ask him. He can’t fully blame Renjun for what he did. Emotions can be pretty overwhelming and it is very clear now that Renjun can be pressed with his irrationality and do things he doesn’t think through properly. All the more reason Renjun needs guidance, the proper treatment. Negative emotions can result in hurting the people surrounding its host. Na Jaemin is one of the people Renjun hurt the most.

“Tell me the truth, Renjun. Do you still love Na Jaemin?” Sicheng opts to ask instead.

It took Renjun a while to answer. “Jaemin... will be my last love.”

“But you will not be his. Are you aware of that?”

Renjun nodded with a bitter chuckle. “All the better. I do not deserve to be loved by someone like him.”

“You’re wrong. Again. You deserve it, Renjun. If you’d ask me, I don’t think Jaemin will ever love you, stay with you, and fight for you if he doesn’t see something in you deserving of those efforts. He gave you his heart, Renjun. Apparently, people give each other their hearts if they deemed them deserving of it.”

“Maybe I was, doctor. But don’t you understand? I did it for him. And even if I didn’t leave him, let’s say we’re still together. Do you still think we can have a happy life, and all that our love will conquer all bullshit given my situation right now? I’m a criminal, a murderer. Some things are just bound to end no matter how much you try to save them.”

Again, Sicheng thought Renjun is wrong. If Renjun had Jaemin, Sicheng is a hundred percent sure things would have gone differently. The younger made a bad choice, followed by another one. If one person stayed by his side, Jaemin or even Donghyuck, Renjun wouldn’t have lost it. The way Sicheng sees it, Renjun lets go of someone and they take a piece of Renjun along with them.

“What if Jaemin talked to you again?”

Renjun shakes his head unbelievably. “That’s impossible. He despises me.”

“No, he doesn’t. I don’t think a person who despises you will ask how you were doing.” With that, Sicheng pulled out Renjun’s phone from his coat’s pocket and showed Renjun Jaemin’s text message from last night.

Renjun read it with confusion before his eyes widen and Sicheng’s hawk-like gaze caught the quick twitch of the corner of Renjun’s lips.

“He’s really... an idiot. God, _Na Jaemin_ ,” Renjun whispered.

“So what do you say, Renjun? Still thinks he hates you?”

“Of course not, he can’t. Jaemin is always forgiving. The boy with a golden heart. I hate him because I don’t deserve it. I hated that even after all this, he’s still trying to reach out to me.” Renjun looks away.

“Well, now you know, Renjun. Jaemin, based on you yourself, is a boy who deserves all the good things in the world. Don’t you think he deserves at least a word from you after all this time?”

Renjun looks at Sicheng wide-eyed. “Are you saying...?”

Sicheng’s lips curl in a smile before he lifts his eyebrow. “It’s a little secret between the two of us though.”

Renjun chuckled. “Oh doctor, you sure are breaking way too many rules for me, huh?”

Sicheng winks. “What can I say? I think you’re my favorite.” Renjun smiled, genuinely, upon Sicheng’s words.

“Okay, ten minutes before you leave this office and my secretary will enter. You have to be quick and type all the things you wanna say to Jaemin. Here.”

Sicheng handed Renjun his phone, safely looking at the door from time to time as Renjun typed on his keyboard. Hopefully, he’ll be able to see everything he failed to say to Na Jaemin.

***

The Chinese doctor stared, mouth opened beyond belief, at Renjun’s text message for Jaemin.

Ten minutes. Renjun typed on his phone for _ten minutes_. Actually, maybe eleven minutes, concerning how Renjun clumsily returned the phone back to Sicheng in a hurry when Fei suddenly entered the office to pick him up. So obviously Sicheng thinks what Renjun wrote is something worthy as a novel. And yet... Sicheng cannot believe _this_.

_**To: Nana <3** _

_**Message: Hi. Thank you.** _

“Just what the fuck is wrong with that kid?!” Okay, that’s a rhetorical question. If someone were to take it seriously there’s a long list of all the things wrong with Huang Renjun. Still, Sicheng felt a headache coming, and he can’t help but curse at the child’s stupidity.

One chance. It was all he had. And yet, all he comes up with is not more than 3 words?! “Ugh for Pete’s sake! That kid’s gonna drain me of my blood.”

“Something wrong, babe?” Yuta who was driving the car beside him asked.

“I am telling you, Huang Renjun completely lost it.” Sicheng showed Yuta the short text message on Renjun’s screen. The older laughed in mirth.

“Oh, baby, young love. Don’t forget he’s still trying to manage all his thoughts and emotions in one place. You can’t expect him to be all expert on these things,” Yuta said in between chuckling.

“I know, I get that. It’s just oh God, this is frustrating. This text message makes me wanna rip my hair out of my head! This is his chance, only chance, to say something to this Jaemin kid. And yet...” Sicheng took a deep breath.

“And yet he wasted it? Is that what you wanna say?” Yuta threw him a look from the rearview mirror.

Sicheng nods.

“Want to know what I think?” Yuta smiles. The doctor raised an eyebrow at him after throwing Renjun’s phone back at his bag. Then he crossed his arms to wait for whatever it is Yuta has to say.

Yuta shakes his head. “I think Renjun has a lot to say.”

“Exactly! Then why didn’t he-”

“Shush, let me finish babe. He indeed has a lot to say. And his thoughts and emotions flood him all at once, His words were all muddled and tied in his tongue, screaming to be released. And the fact that there are so many things he has to say, it rendered him speechless in the end.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Of course, you don’t. If you do, you will never be the doctor that you are now.”

Sicheng rolls his eyes, looking outside the window with his chin on his palm. “You know sometimes I feel like you’ll make a better job at understanding my patients than I do. Maybe you’ll even make a better doctor than I. You’re surprisingly good at this.” And it’s true. Yuta is the only person who could understand his emotions without him saying a single word. Yuta is also a good listener, he never judges, and his smile is healing itself in a way that Sicheng will feel better just by seeing it.

“Hmm, true. But you know I’m only ever willing to be your personal doctor, really.”

With Yuta’s answer, Sicheng smiles.

“You gotta cut the kid some slack. Personally, I think Renjun’s problem is he doesn’t know how to handle his own feelings and issues. He has things to say, but he isn’t quite sure how to begin. When all these words pile up, we end up saying all the stupid things. Besides,” Yuta peeks over him before focusing back on the road. “I doubt this will be the last time you’ll let him talk with Na Jaemin.”

Sicheng snorts. “Who knows? Maybe it really is.”

“Oh don’t take me for a fool, babe. I know you. You’ve grown a soft heart for the boy.”

“Fine. You’re right. _Again._ Of course, I’ll let him talk to this Jaemin. That is... if Jaemin wants to talk too.”

At Sicheng’s last words, silence filled their car.

“By the way, did you go to the hospital today?” Sicheng asked, breaking the quiet atmosphere.

Yuta hums. “I did.”

Nervous, the Chinese male bit his lip. “And? How’d it go?”

With the resonating sigh that Yuta only ever released when he’s about to follow it with bad news, Sicheng confirmed his suspicions.

“Mrs. Huang is stable, according to the doctor. She’s been conscious since last week. However, might be because of trauma and stress, she never spoke a word since she woke up. Though she’s responding to her basic essential needs, like when eating and taking her medicines. Of course, with proper supervision. Other than that she just... stopped functioning as a whole.”

Now it seems like Sicheng’s only hope for Renjun’s case is gone too. Over. Renjun’s mother, Mrs. Huang, whom Renjun stabbed and is in the hospital for weeks now, has finally gained consciousness. However, she is not the same as she used to. Like a living doll, only breathing but not entirely moving or speaking.

Sicheng kept his eyes outside the window. He doesn’t want Yuta to be worried when the latter saw the devastation in his eyes. And to be honest, maybe he kinda wanna cry too. The corners of Sicheng’s eyes are burning and is incredibly hot.

Renjun never failed to express his love for his mother. Sicheng thought that maybe, once his mother is here, she could support his son. She couldn’t possibly hate him no matter what he did, right? After all, he’s still her son. For once, Sicheng really thought he could convince Renjun not to lose his hope. With his mother on his side, it seemed plausible.

But what about now? What is he gonna tell Renjun? How could he crush the younger’s heart even further by telling that he might have broken his mother when he killed his own father?

***

By the time Sicheng managed to tell Renjun the news about his mother, the older cannot take it in him to meet the younger’s eyes. Though even while looking away, he can feel Renjun’s piercing stares boring holes into his skull. Both of them shared a minute of silence and Sicheng could swear his air was caught in his throat. Maybe it’s a bad idea. Maybe he shouldn’t have told Renjun about this. It can cause a trigger in his patient’s already unstable mental state. After all, Renjun adored his mother so much this devastating news might take a negative turn into Renjun’s developing progress.

“Oh,” was Renjun’s short reply.

“I’m so sorry, Renjun.” Sicheng looks up to him, about to hold the younger’s hand at the top of the table. But Renjun withdrew it as though a little closer and he would be burned by Sicheng’s touch.

Renjun’s eyes dart everywhere but Sicheng’s. “It’s... It’s okay. Yeah. It’s... okay,” Renjun murmurs the words that sounded more of a reassurance for himself rather than for his doctor.

Sicheng watched in despair as Renjun tilts his head to the side, like a lost puppy about to cry but desperately fighting his own tears at the same time. On top of his lap rest his hands, where Renjun curls and uncurls his fingers unsettlingly, his left hand holding his wrist as his nails dig through his pale skin. A small sound of whimper escaped Renjun’s mouth as he gasped for air. Sicheng became alarmed when Renjun starts to scratch his quickly reddening skin while his knuckles turned white, ball of fist on trembling mode.

“Renjun? Renjun, calm down, okay? Take a deep breath. Here let me help you with that.” Sicheng stands up to move closer to Renjun. But Renjun released a sharp exhale, raising both his hands in the air as he snapped out of his trance.

“I’m okay! I’m okay, don’t... don’t... It’s okay.” Renjun nods with a smile. “I’m calm, don’t touch me. I’m calm.”

“Renjun it’s okay to not be okay. If you are feeling angry, or sad, or you want to break down and cry? I want you to know that I’m here for you. You can count on me, Renjun,” Sicheng soothed the younger boy.

But Renjun shakes his head followed by an edgy chuckle. “I’m good. It... It happens. It’s bound to happen. Actually, I’ve been expecting this to happen.” Sicheng could only stare as Renjun lost himself in his own laughter. “Who will be on their right mind after _that_? Hahaha! Definitely not my mother That woman’s been crazy way before all this! It just so happened that I managed to crack the final thread keeping her sanity under control in one final snap!”

As of the moment, Renjun is in a state where his brain is still trying to load this new information. In the current phase where all his emotions are threatening to sweep him out of control, there's a massive amount of sadness and heartbreak among them. There’s the denial reasoning where he tries to think of the distressing news as something he should have been expecting way before. At this point, he’s trying so hard to stick to rationality where he tries to comfort himself of any logical excuses his brain would come up with. Lest he’d want to be swallowed by the emotions he was trying so hard to keep out of the way. Or at least, this is how Sicheng sees it. It’s normal, and really one of the phases someone who’s been experiencing grief has to go through. But with Renjun’s mental state, Sicheng is extra worried of what he might end up doing once all these logical thinking wears off.

Even now, his thoughts of reasoning don’t sound too reasonable at all.

Sicheng has no other choice but to watch the younger male laugh like it’s his last, like the news he received is actually something to be celebrated about. Renjun will get tired of it. He’ll break down soon. And when it happens, Sicheng will be sure to be at Renjun’s side no matter what.

Renjun repeatedly slammed his palms on the table as he throws his head back in another fit of laughter. “That woman’s crazy! Heh! Serves her right! Hahahaha! She’s a whore, and she deserves it after everything she’s done! Fucking slut!” Renjun clapped his hand like a seal.

But Sicheng’s ear perked up at what he said, not missing it a bit despite the loud volume of Renjun’s laughter and the sound of his skin slapping the wooden table.

“What did you say, Renjun?”

“Huh?” Renjun’s body is shivering in small electrifying shocks brought by his overly joyous laughter. He looks at Sicheng while he dries the tears forming on his own eyes due to so much laughing.

“About your mother. You called her names and you said she deserves what happened to her.”

Renjun grins, again with that jeering smile the younger would often use every time he wants to poke fun of Sicheng for something the doctor has no idea of.

“I thought you loved her, Renjun. Then why... why would you say that to your own mother?”

Biting his bottom lip, Renjun quietly tapped his fingers on the hard desk. “Wouldn’t you like to know, doctor?”

The two had a staring contest that neither was willing to back down. Until Renjun spoke again. “Of course, I love my beloved mother. She’s the best mom in the world.” Renjun stared straight into Sicheng’s eyes. “Doesn’t mean she’s the best person though.”

“What do you mean by that?”

The sound of Renjun’s finger’s meeting the flat surface of Sicheng’s desk is too infuriating to hear, especially when Sicheng’s heart is about to jump out of his chest waiting for Renjun’s answer.

But Renjun didn’t give any. Instead, he says, “Why does that matter? After all, what she is now is a crazy woman. She finally lost it, remember?” Renjun giggles, even twirling a finger right beside his ears as if to make a point. Sicheng sighed in distress.

That was Renjun’s last words the whole one and a half hour. The remaining time Sicheng tried to squeeze Renjun of answers to his questions. But Renjun remained silent. His face blank and eyes only staring right past Sicheng, directed at the white pale walls behind the psychiatrist.

Other times he would look down, fondle the fingers on his lap, and blink his eyes. Not a single interest to whatever Sicheng was trying to say, all lost in his own mind.

***

Renjun is doing fine. Yes, the young Chinese lad is very proud of himself for taking the news about his mother very well. He isn’t crying, nor was he acting out the anger trying to push forward from his chest. He’s doing a great job containing it. As long as he obstructs the voices whispering in his ears, he’ll be fine. As he always told himself, _he’s okay_. It’s all in his mind. The problem would only arise if he lets it swallow him whole. _Renjun won’t let it._

Lately, he’s been practicing his meditation. He just needs to think of happy thoughts, divert himself with other things- much important things. Remembering what Sicheng told him, he is the master of his own mind. Once he learned to control it, he can manage through the night.

He’s starting to believe this could work as he maintained self-control until dinner. Of course, that was when the mental asylum finally closed down for the day. The echoing footsteps of the guard usually rounding the hallways an hour after their assigned dinner time decreasing from a distance. Through the small gap of the door, the lights outside were finally turned off. Concluding it a night for everyone.

Renjun hates it.

He used to love nighttime, and the moon, and the darkness. It gave him the serenity, silence, and peace his mind needed after a long day filled with unnecessary noises. But as he grew older, he started to hate it. Renjun loathes the silence that comes along the darkness. Because with silence, without anything to distract him, the thoughts in his head were free to overtake his existence. Its screaming voices the only thing he could hear.

That’s when it all dawned upon him. Staring empty at the white painted walls. His mother, he broke his mother. His mother is not the same mother who is willing to give Renjun the world, no matter how it takes.

Gone is the woman who cooked Renjun’s favorite dishes. The only person who ever truly bothered greeting Renjun and surprising the latter on his birthday, no matter how old he is. The image of that 50-year-old lady singing happily in the kitchen is gradually waning, replaced by the image of that lunatic woman with vacant eyes, crazed smile, and threatening words spilling from her lips.

The very representation of Renjun’s nightmare.

“ _Go on, darling. Leave me and I will kill your son!”_

Renjun shivered, tears spilling down his face as he hugged himself tighter. The cold touch of that sharp blade against his skin, he can feel it like it was yesterday and not when he was once an eight-year-old child.

Memories by memories, word by word, all of it flashes like a filmstrip playing inside Renjun’s head. Renjun screams, cowering in fear as he tries to block out the sound and pushed away the dark memories at the bottom pit of his head where they belong. But it is whispering, carried by the wind and kissing Renjun’s ear, playing like a slow love song without a pause. Renjun prayed to every God he knows, as he always does despite being unanswered, and yet he’d still take a chance. Maybe tonight they’d be kind enough to let him free.

The thing with bottling your emotions is there are a big advantage and disadvantage that comes with it. The advantage was if Renun succeeds, then he’ll be spared from the torture that always ruins him. The disadvantage was if Renjun failed, it’ll all come to him, attacking him at once, leaving Renjun powerless on this battlefield.

“ _You did this, Renjun. It’s all your fault. You’re just like your father, aren’t you? You two are the very reasons for your mother’s suffering!”_

“ _All of this is hopeless, Renjun. Your life is useless. Why not just die? What’s there to leave for?”_

“ _You have nothing now, boy. Nothing.”_

“ _Just give in. After all, this torture will only end once you die. Maybe in the afterlife, there’ll be peace for monsters like you. Still, I doubt it but hey, it’s worth a try.”_

“STOP ITTTTTTTTT!”

Jaemin’s face is too vivid in his mind. The last messages he sent for Renjun.

_You’re a monster._

The same words his father said to him.

“ _Are you really my son? Look at this son of yours! You raised him like a monster!”_

And his mother might not say it, but sometimes within those eyes of hers; she looks at Renjun like he’s a monster too.

“ _Because you are.”_

Inside his head, he could only imagine the buckets of tears Jaemin suffered because of him. The betrayal in his father’s eyes once he learned what he’s done. And his mother, the devoid look of his mother who lost her sanity and chance of a better life all because of him. Huang Renjun.

“ _I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”_ Renjun was shouting those words before he could even realize it.

“I’m sorry!”

“Renjun?! Renjun! Hey, hey, calm down! It’s okay, kid. It’s okay. Hush. It’s okay, you’ll be okay.”

‘ _What is...this?’_

There’s a warmth, a pair of arms, and a gentle hand cradling his head. There’s a voice speaking in a very soft hush against his ears, saying all the words he’s been craving to hear all his life.

“You’re okay Renjun. I’m here. You’ll be fine. You’re not alone. I got you.”

A teardrop fell from Renjun’s eyes, dropping onto this person’s shoulder. Renjun closed his eyes and permits himself to be embraced and be lulled by the familiar voice that silenced all the other noises inside his head. He smiles.

“I’ve been waiting for you... for so long,” Renjun whispered, eyes bloodshot.

Sicheng bit his lip to stopped a sob from coming out. He tries to smile when he told Renjun, “I’m here. You don’t have to wait anymore.”

“The Gods finally heard my prayers tonight.”

Renjun closed his eyes. After a long time, he again felt like a child gently rocked into sleep in his mother’s arms.

“Thank you, _ge_.”

***

Renjun is worn out. Times like this he felt as if he was just a body, an empty shell. Existing in places but never truly there. His mind wanders so far away, the window to his suffering is his own pair of eyes that says it all. Maybe that’s the thing when you overdid your own emotions. Renjun has poured it all the whole night, his drenched pillow as his proof, that when morning comes Renjun felt nothing. He’s gone numb.

Only sitting on his bed, staring at the blank walls, just waiting for another day to be over. Funny how he always wanted time to be on his side. And when it felt like it finally did, countless of hours waiting ahead for him in this small space of a room, Renjun spent it drowning in his own misery. Even the sleep that’s always been his friend turned its back on him. The only time he’d ever truly feel at peace and at rest, is now a stranger, a rare visitor that hasn’t come to him in ages.

Renjun couldn’t remember the last time he had a good night’s sleep. Where he could just say “Fuck it”, forget about the world, lose himself in the softness of the mattress under his touch, and close his eyes. Sleep had always been easy for Renjun. Always his escape route whenever reality gets hard. But now his precious world in between reality and dreams have left him too.

Last night, in his doctor’s arms, he felt it. His old friend slowly creeping up on him along with the comfort of Sicheng’s embrace. But it didn’t last long. It left just as quickly as it comes once Sicheng exited that door. And for the remaining hours, Renjun stayed awake. All lost in his own mind.

If this is how he’d spend his life, Renjun badly wants to die.

The rattling of his door snapped Renjun from his own thoughts. A nurse along with a bulk guard enters his cell.

“Get up, kid. You have a visitor,” the guard said in a rough tone.

“A visitor?” Renjun is confused. No one has ever dared to visit him. It was Sunday and almost every patient in the asylum is expecting a visitor on this rare day. Whether it be a relative or a friend. At this point, Renjun has none of those.

“Yeah. Says he’s your brother. Will you face him or not?”

Now, that’s more interesting. A brother. Renjun is an only child so he definitely has _no_ brother. Unless he meant a friend whom he considered a brother. In that case...

“Donghyuck.” Renjun hates the way he whispered that name with so much joy and hope, hated how his lips instantly twitch in a smile at the thought. With a pounding heart, Renjun is quick to get up from his bed and put on his slippers. “Yes, I’d like to see him please.”

The nurse gently guided Renjun out of his room and to the visitor’s lounge. On a Sunday afternoon, it is no surprise the room is quite full. After all, patients in this hospital could only accept visitors thrice a week and mostly, the people outside could only find free time on a weekend. Renjun’s eyes looked everywhere, scanning the area for a tan-skinned boy he hasn’t met for a couple of months now.

But instead, a familiar face of a black-haired boy with a warm and friendly smile waved over him. Beside him was another man with sharp features and shiny black hair who looks like he just came out straight from a manga.

“Renjunnie, here!” Renjun trudged over at the table where his own doctor, Sicheng, and this unknown man were sitting.

“Doctor Dong? What are you doing here? I thought a brother was looking for me,” Renjun blinked in confusion.

“Well, I am your brother now, aren’t I? You just called me _ge_ last night,” Sicheng had this full grin on his face that reaches his eyes and ears.

The younger looked away in embarrassment before slowly sitting in front of the two. When he met Sicheng’s eyes again, he couldn’t help but smile awkwardly because _just what the hell is going on_? Why is his doctor visiting him on his supposedly day off? Is this another consultation because he swears to God, Renjun is sick of it. And why is this another man smiling at Renjun like _that_? It’s illegal because he’s so gorgeous and Renjun has a weak heart for gorgeous boys.

“What is this? Another consultation? I thought I’m free of them every Sunday,” Renjun broke the silence in the air.

“Silly, of course not! Why, can’t I visit my favorite patient as his older brother?”

“You’re really getting into that, huh?”

“But of course. Think of this as an update to our budding relationship. Clearly, you won’t mind having another brother in the form of your doctor, right, Renjun?”

Renjun truly hates how Sicheng gave him a smile that he can’t say no to. So, he rolled his eyes instead and crossed his arms. “Whatever. Don’t you have any plans of introducing your err, whoever that boy is to you, doctor?”

“Okay, first of all, we’re not in a therapy session. I’m not here as your doctor but as a friend, an older brother. So call me _gege_. And second, of course. This is Yuta. You can call him hyung and he’s my boyfriend,” Sicheng introduced.

Nodding, it is only reasonable for Renjun that this guy beside Sicheng is the latter’s boyfriend. They look good together. Like a perfect couple.

“Cool,” was what he could manage to say.

Sicheng and Yuta shared a look then burst out laughing. “I told you, babe, he really sucked at this,” Sicheng says.

“Well, he’s cute. And really pretty,” Yuta grins over Renjun, which only makes the latter look away because he’s so not used to praises. Especially by someone who is the true definition of cute and pretty.

“I would’ve been jealous if only I didn’t agree with you,” Sicheng added.

“Okay really, stop it. I don’t know what is going on but clearly, you’ve been disturbing my peaceful rest.” Of course, Renjun is lying. His time since this morning is anything but peaceful and a rest. “What do you want from me?”

The older pouted like a child, Renjun cringe internally. “I just wanted to make sure that you are fine ever since last... night.”

The mention of last night created a grey cloud around them, dropping them to fall into a state of despair.

“I’m... okay.”

“Did you have a comfortable sleep? I left last night when you were sleeping.”

“It’s... okay.”

Sicheng sighed. “It’s a good thing I had overtime last night. I was able to aid you in your episode.” Afterward, Renjun felt a hand on top of his, gently compressing his skin. “I’m so sorry for everything Renjun.”

He looks away, blinking the tears threatening to spill down his eyes. “I don’t know why you’re sorry for. This is no one’s fault but mine.”

“No, it’s not. Your mother... I’ll make sure she’ll receive proper therapy, okay? The doctor says this might just be a cause of severe stress. There are proper remedies that can help your mother go back to her normal state. I promise you, this is not yet the end Renjun. Don’t lose hope, okay?”

Yuta nods, supporting his boyfriend’s words. “Yes. Uh, my family knows a lot of great therapists out there that are well-known in treating patients like your mother. She’ll be alright, Renjun-ah.”

Renjun looks down, there’s a sense of gratitude and relief filling his chest when he pulled his hand from Sicheng's. Playing with his fingers, he badly wanna say his thanks to these people but his mouth couldn’t open, and his words remained stuck in his throat.

“It’s okay, Renjun. You are welcome,” and as if hearing his mind, Sicheng is once again speaking with his smile so kind Renjun truly thinks he doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve Sicheng.

“And oh by the way, here. We brought you a simple gift. Though we have to really think this through because after all, there are rules and protocols regarding the things patients can take unless it’d only be confiscated by the staff. So we are really not sure if you’d like this but I hope you do.” Sicheng turns to Yuta, signaling his partner to hand Renjun the medium-sized paper bag that the younger curiously peeks at.

Only to gasp at what he found. “D-Doctor-”

Sicheng gave him a stern look. “ _Gege_ ,” he corrects.

Swallowing thickly, Renjun said in a shaking voice, “G-Gege... w-what is this?”

“Well, it is a gift. Yuta and I, we figured days in that small room without anything to distract you could be very boring. And since you obviously have the talent for Art, and you paint really well, why not spend your free time making Art instead of wallowing yourself in negative thoughts?”

Inside the small paper bag are a thick pad and a whole set of oil pastel crayons. Renjun gawks at the material for a whole minute like he is seeing stars for the first time. To which, in his case, is probably true. Anything art related things are like chunk pieces of the universe. By owning them, he can make unimaginable things in a wider spectrum using his imagination that is as limitless as the space of a cosmos. Renjun cannot believe he’s holding his life, his dream, the only rainbow in his black and white world, right inside his palms now.

“Are you happy?” Yuta asked, then almost nervously, added. “Is that okay? Sorry, I’m the one who suggests buying oil pastel crayons instead. The asylum is very cautious towards these kinds of things and oil pastels are the least harmful ones out of all of them.”

“No, it’s... it’s okay,” Renjun replied, eyes still looking at the set. True that his focus is mostly on watercolor and painting, but this is good too. Anything that is Art works well for the young artist.

“Did you like it?” it was Sicheng this time.

Finally looking up, Renjun smile. And he hopes it sends all his unsaid words and gratitude to the two, he hopes his smile could deliver his heart.

“T-Thank you.”

And maybe it did. Because Sicheng beams so happily and Yuta lets out a sigh of relief. Renjun smiles at them, then looks back to his new possessions. Art.

Ever since the death of his father, his hand has been deprived of the hard touch of a paintbrush and the thick texture of colors. And now it’s finally in front of him again. The very reason for his living existence. The only thing to keep him going.

After all, the only ever time Renjun truly feels like he’s alive is when he was creating Art, all lost in his own world.

***

Renjun can distinctly recall the first time he found out about his passion for art. It was a spontaneous activity, an out-of-the-blue suggestion Renjun let passed his lips for his seatmate in sixth grade.

“ _Want me to draw you?” an 11-year-old Renjun asked his male classmate._

_Of course, that is really not a question considering Renjun’s playful personality is whispering to his ears, pushing him to draw his classmate’s face in a ridiculous setting. After all, he loves to tease the other with his all-too pointed nose that Renjun says resembles that of a witch he’d often see in cartoons. So the sixth grades, with his pencil, a piece of white and blank bond paper, and a set of crayons, started to let his imagination take over. Sketching a broomstick in an up on the air midnight setting where the moon is at its brightest, and the cloud hides the stars._

_It was supposed to be fun, an object to tease his seatmate. Apparently, Renjun received a reply from said classmate. One that he never expects at all._

“ _You draw well, Renjunnie. You could be an artist someday.”_

_In the end, his classmate begged to keep Renjun’s first-ever artwork. (Well, not really the first considering he grows a fondness towards anything Art related while growing up, now that he thinks of it. He has a lot of drawings piled up in his drawer back in his bedroom, and even at the pages from the back of his school notebooks). Renjun never really thought about it but it became the start of something new._

_After his classmate, one of his official first-ever muses was his cousin from his mother’s side, Zhong Chenle. Along with said cousin's best friend, the young Park Jisung. The two would often beg him to draw them and Renjun managed to truly practice his skills with the help of the two. Especially Jisung who would constantly be all excited, running to his Renjun hyung and asking for the drawing the older promised he would finish overnight._

_He remembered telling the two young males a vow. “One day, I will be an artist. Like Van Gogh. My artworks will be displayed in the largest art museums and galleries. I will create something that would inspire a change in this world.”_

_The two, being a little too young back then to understand things their Renjun hyung says, simply nodded dumbly and wished the older a good luck._

_But of course, as years passed, that dream was buried deep under the grounds, never to be opened for anyone. Not especially his own parents. In their minds, Mr. and Mrs. Huang already shaped a whole different dream and future for their own son. And Renjun is too coward to go against his parent’s will._

_Up until then, no one is aware of his secret. Maybe except for Jaemin, and Donghyuck is informed a little. But in general, it was Renjun who buried and killed his own dream in exchange for a stable and uncomplicated life of a normal person. And so that promise that once left his lips in pure confidence was killed through nights and nights of keeping it locked away in the depths of his soul. Never to see the light, nor to be known._ _To love Art is one thing, but to reach it and be a part of it? It’s completely another. I was a star Renjun doesn’t bother reaching for he knows he’ll only fall high and the impact will be a lot painful to take._

_And thus, it remains to be one of Renjun’s deadly secret._

Renjun may hate his mind, but he could never hate it for visualizing images and things that have yet to foreseen by the world. If there is one thing Renjun liked about himself and has the confidence of doing, it is _this_. Sketching streaks on a white sheet of paper, grazing a blank slate with different shades of colors. It never fails to amaze him how a single tint can do so many things, portray so many emotions, and speak for one’s soul. One of the many reasons he likes Art is because he lived through his masterpieces. He loved how each of them was molded from a piece of Renjun’s fragmented soul and disastrous mind.

The idea of knowing a broken person like him can spill colors and combine them in a beautiful masterpiece is a thought that keeps him alive.

He always only had one goal. To create an Art that _truly_ means something.

That night Renjun’s passion comes from love and pain. In his mind, he imagined a love that comforts like an ocean breeze, eyes that understand like the silence of the moon, a smile that is as strong as the waves in the sea, and a heartbreak that is as lonely as the evening.

_Jaemin._

Renjun truly regrets how he always failed to catch the right emotion whenever he creates something for Jaemin. It is quite unfortunate, and a little tragic, how he never tried to put all his emotions and thoughts for the bright male in a swirl of colors and lines of various strokes. The fact that he’s all only doing it now squeezes Renjun’s heart painfully in a way he did not expect.

After a whole night, and now with the pad of his fingers dyed in strong colors, hands slightly numb and aching, Renjun finished with a contented smile.

Under the dim glow of the light bulb, Renjun stares at the finished product.

A lovely image of a moon shining at its brightest and a stunning blue ocean. Applying a strong mixed shade of brown and black, he described the shape of rocks girdling the waters. In it is a small image of a merman, sitting on the boulders and looking at the moonlight.

Jaemin always believed he was a merman in his past life. And indeed, like a merman who is a creature of the sea, Jaemin holds serenity, bringing comfort in his eyes and an overflowing wave of love in his grins.

Jaemin always wanted to be a merman. Loving Ariel and proclaiming the red-haired girl as his favorite Disney Princess.

Renjun shed a tear, dropping a wet patch on the combined shade of blue and white. He quickly wipes his own tears in fear of ruining the artwork more.

Smiling and sniffling, he tried writing using one of the oil pastel crayons at the bottom of the page.

_For Na Jaemin, my beautiful merman_

Afterward, Renjun signed it with his initials.

If only he could give it to Jaemin. He wonders if Jaemin would flash that dazzling smile of his once he saw this. He wonders if he’d still be proud of Renjun like he always did back when they were together. He wonders if this could make up for all the pain he ever brought to the taller. He wonders if he poured his heart enough for Jaemin to see his love.

_He wonders._

***

_**A new notification alert!** _

_**1 message from Nana <3** _

_**From: Nana <3** _

_**Message: Oh, didn’t expect to receive a reply from you. Anyway, ur welcome :) Stay safe always.** _

“Okay... so care to explain what this means? In case you didn’t know yet, I am sooo _not_ good at interpreting and translating meanings behind words,” Renjun stretched his eyes wide for Sicheng to see as soon as he puts down his phone after reading Jaemin’s message. There’s a loud pounding in Renjun’s heart, and he quickly hid his hands under the table in case Sicheng touched his now icy cold palms. There is fear in his chest and a pouring amount of hope and delight for hearing a word from his ex-lover.

At the back of his mind, there is a glimpse of every fairy lights he and Jaemin would put in their small yet cozy apartment. The sound of Jaemin’s laughter mixed with his suddenly ringing in his ears.

For the first time, Renjun is excited for what he’s about to hear from Sicheng.

“Alright, let’s see what I’ve got here,” Sicheng flashed a smile, nodding at Renjun’s direction before he scanned the message for the second time.

He coughed, and Renjun forgetting to blink with his intense stare to the older. “So...?”

“I actually don’t know how to explain this.”

Narrowing his eyes, Renjun said with impatience in his tongue. “Why? Is it... bad?” Now, he’s _really_ nervous. IF previously his heart was only beating double its original speed, now he’s sure it’s beating thrice.

“Err, yes?” When Sicheng saw Renjun’s shoulder visibly slumped with his answer, of course, the doctor is quick to put water on fire. “Hahaha! I mean, _not entirely_. There’s positive and there’s negative.”

“Well then, tell me, doctor!”

“Yikes, you sure know how to ask favors for your very kind doctor.” Sicheng shakes his head in disappointment. “Alright then, listen kiddo. So let’s start with the part where he says _“Oh I didn’t expect to receive a reply from you”._ It shows that Jaemin is saying the truth. He _totally_ does not expect that you’d text back. After all, from what I was seeing now, I think his last text message was a random one. You know that time of the day where you suddenly remember a person you don’t talk to anymore and you take it on you to ask them how they are after so long. Of course, he wouldn’t expect an answer. You left him, abandoned him, and has been ignoring him for almost a year now. Maybe a part of him is relieved. Because finally, after waiting for so long, you finally came.”

“And the last part?” Renjun whispered.

With Sicheng’s hesitation, and the pity swirling in the older’s eyes, maybe Renjun doesn’t have to hear it. But he listens to nonetheless. If this is the only way he could make up for what he did to Jaemin, a pain like this he can take.

“” _Anyway, ur welcome :) Stay safe always.”_ You know there are goodbyes that don’t necessarily say "goodbye", right? Think of this as Jaemin’s way of letting you go. The only thing he could come up with before he finally closed the door between you and him. As I’ve said earlier, he doesn’t expect to hear a word from you at all. And now that he did, he’s okay. He knows you’re alright, and that’s the one last thing he could for you as someone who once loved you. To wish you safety in life.”

Renjun hated crying in front of someone. Doesn’t matter if that someone is a friend or a family. Even Na Jaemin never once saw Huang Renjun shed a tear. So he would really hate it if he breaks down right in front of his doctor like he always seemed to pathetically nowadays. He doesn’t care if Dong Sicheng has seen him on his lowest a few times in a row now. At least he’d save another chance for himself and his pride.

So he squirmed on his own seat, looked down, and concealing his ever blinking eyes by his long fringes. Nibbling his bottom lip, he closed his fists. There’s a bitter acid threatening to swim its way up to his throat and spill into a broken sob for the older to hear. He will not let it. But God, _does it hurt_.

When Renjun left Na Jaemin, he felt nothing. Maybe sadness, and regret, but over time the voices in his head prevailed over the broken heart he never had the time to mend. Funny that now he can’t hear a single thing, but his shattered heart has been throbbing so badly in a pain that is nearly one year late.

Perhaps that’s the worst kind of pain. The pain you never realized is following you and has been running from for so long until it finally gets to you. Because when it did will it only sink to you, how everyone has moved on but you.

“I’m sorry, Renjun.”

“Why are you sorry for? It’s nothing. Of course, I expected this. After all, Jaemin is so much better without me.”

But expecting doesn’t mean you’re ready. Expecting for the bullet to hit you doesn’t mean you’re truly ready for death.

Maybe, just a tiny bit part of Renjun expects that Jaemin will be true to his words. Call him a selfish person, or heartless, or a toxic waste of space, but deep inside his wrecked brain he desperately hopes Jaemin will still be there. Waiting for him as he always does, ready to embrace him with a smile and tell him he’s forgiven for everything he’s done. He wanted Jaemin to say that he’s not as hopeless as he thinks he is, whispering sweet nothings in his ears like he used to back in the days.

Renjun smiled bitterly. _‘After all this time, the fact that I desperately hope Jaemin is still waiting for me only means I still cannot learn to love him the way he deserves to.’_

In the end, Renjun is still a narcissist. Always caring for his own comfort more than the others.

***

“Doctor- uh ge, can I ask you a favor?” Renjun asked out of the blue one time in the middle of their session.

“Alright, let’s hear it,” Sicheng crossed his arms, waiting for whatever it is Renjun has to say this time.

“My medicines for anxiety, can you please give me a stronger dosage tonight? And if it’s not too much... I wish to take some sleeping capsules after dinner.”

The doctor thoroughly studied his patient after said boy spoke his mind. Renjun is bent a little on his seat, arms and shoulders sagged while he presses his fingers on his palm, a habit that just currently developed. But other than that he looks so tired and physically sick. Renjun’s skin is already pale when he was brought here but now he is much paler; his face and lips colorless making the dark circles under his eyes more prominent. Renjun looks so... lifeless.

“Why? You can’t sleep?” Sicheng asked instead of making a promise. Of course, the older can give out an order to establish a higher dosage for his patient’s regular medicines and add sleeping pills to his list. But Sicheng, despite being a doctor, is utterly against the idea of depending much on the effects of medicines. Strong drugs can sometimes implicate serious consequences and hell be damned if he’ll let Renjun risk it.

Renjun gently shakes his head, like a child answering to his parent. Sicheng sighed, looking down to look at the starless night sky Renjun was drawing when he came in. An idea popped into the doctor’s head.

“How about this... let’s make a deal.” The younger Chinese stares up at Sicheng in curiosity. Pointing at the black starless sky artwork, he continued. “For every time you cannot sleep, for every second your mind was loaded with suffocation hindering you to breathe in fresh air, you put a star in this gloomy sky you created. For your every “I wish to die” instances of your life, I need you to think of things that you look forward to for tomorrow. Either big or not, put them as your golden yellow star so that every time you looked at it you’ll be reminded that something is still guiding you. Something is still lighting up your dark, dull sky.”

Renjun tilts his head, thinking through Sicheng’s words. “Some...thing?” he repeated to himself. “But what if I have no reason to see tomorrow, gege?”

“Everyone has a reason, Renjun. It doesn’t have to be too big. If everyone immediately searched for the big things in life, no one will be truly happy. No one is truly alive. Therefore to live, you’d have to look at the most simple things in life. Small, tiny little things that make your heart flutter in a second of excitement, or prompted the twitching of your lips. Once you find them, you hold on to it. That’s the only way we survive the trials of life.”

The truth is, Renjun isn’t so sure. Of course, he gets what Sicheng is saying. All his life, Renjun has been holding on to those small little things that embed a slight color in his white and grey life. It’s all that ever kept him going, the only reason he could think of why he’s still breathing at the age of 20 when he already created his deathbed by age of 13. Renjun is holding on too tight to those small little things he’s sure his knuckles are spilling blood.

“So... no medicines?” Renjun looks down, heart beating fast. He’s not sure if it’ll be alright.

But there is Sicheng’s hand, filling the space between them to firmly hold his shaking palms. “No medicines. I want you to be filled with hope, not some drugs made of narcotics and stupid substances.”

By that, Renjun chuckles, feeling more at ease now with Sicheng gripping his hand. “You do know you are a doctor and it’s in your nature to be dependent on these “drugs” right?”

“Well not me, I’m not. I am a doctor, yes, and my secret formula to success is that I don’t trust pills at all. I only came to trust the person. And myself.”

“Ha, you’re pretty confident you can fix the mind of a murderer?” Renjun challenged with a smirk.

Sicheng filled the gaps between Renjun’s fingers with his own, holding them tight and gently squeezing them. “I am confident I can _heal_ the mind of my favorite patient.”

He doesn’t have to say more, Renjun thought. In time, the younger learned to trust the doctor. After all, the feeling of favoritism isn’t too unrequited. Sicheng is Renjun’s favorite doctor too (and only doctor but that doesn’t matter, Renjun is sure he’d still like Sicheng amongst the many if ever).

For the first time, Renjun holds on to Sicheng’s hand, subtly returning the calming squeeze Sicheng would give him. His hands are warm, _very warm_. And soft. And it brought tingles in his skin like mini electro waves pricking his cells. Nonetheless, he fancies the feeling of holding Sicheng’s hand. Renjun felt protected. And at peace, like there was nothing to be afraid of.

With Sicheng, maybe there really isn’t.

***

Renjun was once again all-too occupied scratching the pale grey surface of the moon using the assistance of oil pastel medium when Sicheng found him inside the office. It’s either Renjun is too busy to notice him entering the door, or he simply chose not to pay Sicheng attention.

It didn’t stop Sicheng though from commenting regardless. “That was a nice moon, Renjun-ah. You draw a perfect circle.”

The other didn’t answer. For the next few minutes, the only sound audible is Renjun’s thumb smoothly scratching and running the surface of the pad. Sicheng thinks of a good topic to discuss with.

“You... like the moons, huh?” Still, no sign of responding. He tried again. “Well though I was a doctor, I know a few things about the moon. How it’s always compared with the sun. The moon as lonely as night, and the sun as bright as the morning. Quite poetic, isn’t it?”

Sicheng continues despite Renjun nonchalantly showing his lack of interest. Or not. Sicheng is too immersed with his talking he failed to notice Renjun looking up to him. “You know when I was a kid, I used to be very scared by the moon a lot. Since a lot of horror stuffs that children are most too scared of happens at a full moon. I always believed a witch would fly around in their broomsticks if I ever stared too long on it. And whenever I walk at night with my mom, I swear the moon is following me!”

Only when Renjun cackles do Sicheng realized he’s been talking rubbish. Although Renjun might think otherwise because he is watching Sicheng with eyes packed with mirth and amusement, a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

“You’re... a coward,” Renjun shrugged.

Sicheng gasped, laughing. “How dare you! Come on, every single child used to think the full moon is scary! It’s the peak of the month where nightly creatures are at its strongest.”

Renjun stares at him deadpan, dropping his oil pastel crayon at the table. “Well, now the moon is overrated. Even 10-year-olds who were scolded by their moms for pouring too much milk on their cereals would look outside their window and think of how lonely they are like a moon.”

“Hmm, touche.” Sicheng pouts.

Maybe other people will start criticizing Sicheng for the way he conversed with his patient. After all, his main goal is to learn how and where did Renjun’s murderous intent and rage for his father all rooted from. There’s a lot of possibilities, and Sicheng is also running out of time. Renjun’s hearing is coming so soon and he’s nowhere near to gathering enough evidence to help Renjun reduce his sentence. But at the same time, Sicheng forgets all of it when he’s with Renjun. The kid is witty and profound. Sometimes, he renders Sicheng speechless with his words. And the truth is Sicheng was _supposed_ to be mad at that because he _is_ the doctor between the two of them. Why must someone like Renjun have this kind of impact on him?

He doesn’t know when he started talking informally with the other. Renjun started calling him gege too more than his usual doctor. And Sicheng likes it so much. Perhaps it is then when their consultation feels more like a normal conversation between two brothers. Sicheng feels at ease, forgetting he wears his lab coat and the title of a criminal shining on top of Renjun’s head.

“Between the sun and the moon, what do you like the most?” Renjun asked in a tiny voice, peeking at Sicheng in between his raven fringes.

“Hmm, I like the stars?” Sicheng grins, tapping a finger on his chin.

Snorting, the younger rolled his eyes.

“How bout you? Let me guess, you like the moon because you see yourself in it. Lonely, cold, sad?” Sicheng guessed with confidence.

Only for Renjun to prove him wrong when he shakes his head no.

“Really? Well then, what do you like? The sun?”

Renjun nods.

That was quite a... surprise. For someone artistic as Renjun, Sicheng partially hoped he’s a moon lover like everybody else.

“Instead of the moon, I see myself as the sun. Intense, intimidating, and is very misunderstood.”

In what way? Sicheng badly wanna ask, but he allows Renjun to continue. The younger once again gripped his oil pastel and blends it on the white sheet.

“The moon, despite being called the lonely one, is often adored by a looot of people. Artists like me use the celestial as their muse, so often you’d grow tired counting all the paintings and poetries about it. People admire the moon from far away, from their nightly walks, or their before-the-sleep night gazing. That cold yet very beautiful and pleasing to the eyes crystalline light that shines at night along with the stars.” Renjun chuckles. “Now let me tell you a thing about the sun, gege.”

“The sun, despite being called the brightest one, is often avoided by humans. Artists like me use that star as a symbol of intensity, for its bright light and hot burning touch could melt a person into death. People ignored the piercing sun simply because they’d hurt their eyes if they so much as steal a glance. And still, they cannot see its form. Even from their daily walks, they’d hide from its light, because they’re afraid of its brightness. That hot ball of fire in the angry shade of orange and red that shines everyone’s daily life all alone in the sky. And yet, people call the moon the lonely one.”

“So tell me, gege, between the sun and the moon, who do you think am I?”

***

“Any new reports regarding patient number 720?” Dr. Moon asked Sicheng as soon as the two find time to talk about Renjun’s case.

And Moon Taeil, ever the so direct person, did not hesitate to throw Sicheng the very reason he’s been called for that day. Sicheng knew the head doctor won’t overreact if he showed him Renjun’s progress in his files and data presentation, but he simply cannot ignore his rapid heart rate as well knowing that this is the third time he won’t be able to present valid evidence in Renjun’s case.

Their target is simple: find out any signs of past abuse and traumatic experiences that would have led Renjun in their asylum. So far, what Sicheng got are bits of puzzle pieces that don’t even make any sense. It has been so long too since Renjun last talked about his family.

Still, Sicheng tried to be optimistic and put on a different set of words to give a flowery image to the same report he already presented last time to Dr. Moon. And it seems it is of no use anymore when Dr. Moon pinched the bridge of his nose and signified him to stop.

Sicheng did immediately, biting his bottom lip and prepares himself for the scolding. Though he doubts Dr. Moon would really scold him for it.

“Just tell me directly. No new discoveries regarding the patient’s past?”

Reluctantly, Sicheng nods. He hears Moon Taeil sighed in defeat.

“Okay. I get it, Renjun is a very special case. He wouldn’t be one if it is easy to get him to talk. And as doctors, we cannot force our patients to reinforce their trust in us. I get that it’s a long process- trusting someone. But...” The but word is what Sicheng is anxious about. “Time isn’t on our side. Not when Renjun’s next hearing is coming so soon. Unless you wanted patient number 720 to rot in his cell all his life, you have to act fast.”

“I know, Dr. Moon. I’m sorry. But I swear Renjun is showing a lot of progress this past month. He’s starting to talk more, he even called me his gege. Renjun... isn’t so dangerous like what people think he is,” Sicheng reasoned.

“Of course, he isn’t. No one is truly dangerous in this world with the right amount of support from the people they love on their side. And that’s a good thing, that Renjun is slowly opening up to you. I’m sure you can have his full trust anytime soon.” Dr. Moon flashed him a smile that is of a proud father full of sincerity. “But...” Again, there is the but that Sicheng abhors. “... these things- we cannot say it at the court. Those people abide by the law and they punished anyone who appears guilty of it. They don’t care if you're mentally fucked up, and to be honest, I’m telling you it’ll be very hard to steal even a tiny bit of sympathy from them. They won’t be on their position right now if they use their heart more than their head.”

“That’s why Dr. Dong, you need to have concrete evidence to testify and speak for our statements.”

“But Renjun loves his parents so much. I don’t see any reason why he’d kill them.” And to be fair, Sicheng wouldn’t have believed Renjun is the one who killed his father if it weren’t for all the evidence and witness pointing at Renjun as the suspect.

“Well too much love can kill you sometimes.”

At Dr. Moon’s words, Sicheng bit his lips. He wanted to help Renjun so badly. There’s still a life waiting for that young boy. He had so much potential and if someone like him would be out there free in the world, Sicheng could only imagine the things he could have done without any worries. Renjun doesn’t deserve a life sentence. He deserves to be punished, _yes_. But a lifetime punishment without a second chance at all, nor room to change? That is simply... the worst.

Sicheng believes no one deserves it. Not Renjun- _especially him_.

***

Renjun’s attorney was a man called Lee Taeyong, probably around Yuta’s age and surprisingly older than Sicheng despite his younger-looking features. Clad in his formal suit and carrying a satchel where each of Renjun’s files and studies was promptly kept. The older asked Sicheng for a formal meeting at dinner to also discuss Renjun’s condition. The earlier the better as it will give him enough time to think of a better plead once the hearing next month starts.

They met at a BBQ restaurant in Gangnam, Yuta came along. Sicheng’s first impression of the older man is quite intimidating, as the attorney also holds very sharp features that radiate authority with every step he takes before closing onto their table. Taeyong, he learns, is formal and a respectful character; greeting Yuta and Sicheng with a bow and a handshake.

Taeyong directly initiates a conversation once the waiter on their table leaves after taking their order.

“I’m sorry for the sudden call, Dr. Dong. I’m just here for Renjun’s case. You know how we need to prepare everything thoroughly and I’m just very glad you agreed to meet,” Taeyong began with a small smile.

“Oh, it’s nothing. I understand. I’m doing this for Renjun as well and to help his case.”

“Great. So I was aware of the changes in Renjun’s behavior. I visited him a week ago and he’s been less hostile, less angry. More cooperative,” Taeyong waved a hand as he nods. Jutting his lips, the male added, “I know it’s all thanks to you. I’m aware of how big of a responsibility it is to handle his case.”

“Renjun is a very smart boy. Even to me, he’s been quite the hard one to manage. It takes time and a lot of reassurance, trust me, but I’m slowly getting there. And Renjun... isn’t so bad like he was being condemned to.”

“Err, about that... did Renjun tell you anything specific about his family?”

Sicheng sighed, weakly shaking his head. “It’s hard to get him to talk, Atty. Lee. Every time his family is mentioned, he’ll lose himself into his own little world and before I knew it he’s been acting up again, saying things that don’t make any sense.”

The last words seem to perk Taeyong’s ears up as he leaned closer and asked with a knitted brow, “What things?”

“Things like... how his mother deserves what she’s going through right now? Or how his father was a good man? How his parents are the best in the world and they did everything to raise him well.”

“Right? I know I was not the only one who thinks it’s weird. Sometimes Renjun talks about his parents like they are the most precious thing in the world for him. While sometimes, he talks as if he loathed them more than anything.”

Both Sicheng and Taeyong fell into deep thoughts. It really is weird. And nonsense.

Yuta decided to intervene in their conversation. “I know I was not supposed to butt in but I’ve heard enough and could this weird thinking may be the result of his bipolar disorder? Or his other mental illness? You said so yourself that Renjun couldn’t handle his emotions properly well,” Yuta pointed at Sicheng.

“That’s true. It could be. In fact, that may just be the reason why he’s like that. Bipolar Disorder can cause all the overwhelming emotions to clash and appear at a very short time notice. It causes a person’s ever-changing mind and views on things to distort regarding the most superior emotion overwhelming them at a certain time. So it’s really not easy because it’s like there’s a different version of you that comes out every time you’re sad, or you’re angry, or you’re happy. There’s no consistency in personality and behavior,” Sicheng explained.

“Did he really not say anything at all to you about his parents? Never opened up or anything?” Taeyong tried again.

“I wish I could tell you something, Attorney. Apparently, I’m just as clueless as you. All I know is that Renjun might have favored his mother more than his father. But sometimes...” Sicheng recalls a certain memory in his head. “Sometimes it also feels like Renjun’s hate for his mother is... very strong. I don’t get it.” Sicheng can still see it clearly in his head; the sharp inflict in Renjun’s tongue and the dry laughter that leave passed his lips as he called his mother names. There’s a hollow, a complete void in his eyes when he said that.

“I see. Is it possible that...? _No way._ ”

Sicheng is fast to look at Taeyong when the latter’s eyes widen like he just remembered something unbelievable. “What? What is it?!”

Swallowing dryly, Taeyong whispers, “Look, I asked around okay? Renjun’s close relatives, their neighbors. I asked them if there’s any dirt or secret that the Huang family could be hiding. One of Renjun’s older cousins from his mother's side, Luhan, told me something I couldn’t believe at first. But after hearing what you said and picking up all the pieces of Renjun’s reaction towards his parents, I think it makes a lot of sense now.”

Getting impatient, Sicheng asked again, “Well, what is it? Tell me.”

“Mrs. Huang is cheating on Mr. Huang. With one of their family’s old friends. The man is ten years younger than Mrs. Huang. I couldn’t get a contact with him unfortunately because he’s been out of the country eight months ago. He left around the time Mr. Huang came back from working overseas and decided to stay for good.”

“ _What?”_ Both Yuta and Sicheng exclaimed.

Taeyong laid back on his chair, arms crossed. “Yeah, exactly what I said after hearing that. I don’t believe it at first, of course. But I asked around, and they said there is a certain guy who often comes in and out of their apartment when Mr. Huang is still working abroad.”

“Err, could be a regular visitor?” Yuta tries to say.

“Yeah, I thought so too. However, they said the guy would sometimes come in the late evening and will not leave until the next morning. Don’t you think it’s kinda suspicious for a single man like him to stay the night in at an apartment with a woman and her son?”

“If that’s the case then... does Renjun know about this?” Sicheng cannot believe it. But then like what Taeyong said, it makes more sense why Renjun hates his mother and called her a slut.

“He probably does.”

Sicheng had to grip on Yuta’s shoulder to keep himself from falling off his chair. How could it possibly be...? Does Renjun know about this?

And it’s as if things aren’t worst enough, Taeyong adds, “It’s been more than 5 years, it seems. Luhan said the face of this man who was once an old friend of Mr. Huang has become more consistent since Renjun was in high school. At first, he thinks he is really just a close friend, one who has grown _unbelievably_ close to his once only acquaintance Mrs. Huang. Until lately, he thinks there might be something else.”

“But why... does- does Mr. Huang knows? Did Renjun kept it a secret?” Confused is an understatement to describe Sicheng’s feelings at the moment.

“That’s the thing. The reason why we can’t use this statement as evidence of bad parenting and a possible motive in the court. Renjun is denying it. He is initiating it’s not the truth.”

There was a moment of silence that fills their table. Yuta had an arm wrapped around his boyfriend, keeping Sicheng calm. While Taeyong looks like he was on the brink of losing all hope with the way he sighed so exasperatedly, massaging his forehead with two fingers.

“That is why I called you, Dr. Dong. Since you are Renjun’s doctor, I was hoping he might have told you something about his family. Any kind of information will really help. As much as I want to, I have to at least try to cease the huge fire Renjun caused. What I will say, and you will say, can really help a lot for Renjun. It might not be enough to completely stop the fire but if we proved to the judge that Renjun’s murder crimes were simply provoked by other factors, we can use the jury’s pity to work on our side. Of course, whatever you say at the court could be a lot of help too, especially if we succeed to convince them that what Renjun needs is a proper treatment for his mental illness and not a lifetime sentence.”

Sicheng nods, gathering his thoughts. “Okay, I understand. I’ll try to ask Renjun again.” _‘I have to.’_

“Please do. We’re running out of time. I tried to convince him to tell the truth but all he ever tells me is his repeated confession. To be honest, the more I heard about the more it feels like a script Renjun memorized from time to time.” Taeyong chuckles, shaking his head. “I can’t believe this. I’ve been in this field for so long and Renjun is the only client I met who is more than willing to put himself to jail. Really, that kid doesn’t even try to save himself.”

‘ _It’s like he wants to be locked up,’_ Sicheng added as an afterthought to Taeyong’s words.

A few minutes after, the waiter arrives. Taeyong sat up straight and Sicheng cleared his throat, drinking his pineapple juice to wet his drying throat.

Taeyong spoke again. “Anyway, I’ve assessed Renjun’s case and tried to find any evidence that might have helped him. I even went to the crime scene and talk to the forensics who burned Mr. Huang’s body. Or at least, the pieces of his body. Only to find nothing. The pieces of evidence are very strong and all pointing out to the kid. Both weapons found at the crime scene have his fingerprints-”

“Wait, _both weapons_?” Yuta asked curiously.

Taeyong blinks at him before cutting his meat. “Oh, you don’t know? The one is a butcher knife, a _really_ long and sharp blade I’ll tell you. Very heavy on the hand. It’s currently at the investigation team, going under a lot of scrutinizing within their system. The other one is a normal kitchen knife. _That_ one is the one Renjun used to stab Mrs. Huang.”

“Oh, I thought it was the butcher knife,” Sicheng commented.

Yuta shakes his head, face serious. “Nah. If the butcher knife was the one Renjun used there’s a possibility Mrs. Huang would not survive the attack. It would cause her serious harm and internal damage, plus the massive amount of bleeding can seriously drain her of blood. Even if she was sent to the hospital, she could die in the way.”

Taeyong nods, pointing at Yuta. “What he said.”

“Anyway, the forensics team also found a DNA of Renjun’s blood at the blade of the kitchen knife. I tried to talk to the detectives and said there’s a possibility Mrs. Huang was stabbed because she tries to stop Renjun. Renjun has a cut on his neck- though not too deep- when he was sent to the police for interrogation.”

Sicheng tries to absorb every piece of detail Taeyong lends to him. Once their dinner is over, and Sicheng had successfully given Taeyong the papers he personally requested charting Renjun’s data and progress with their weekly consultations, they part ways.

On their way home, Sicheng is still thinking about Renjun. He made sure to talk to the younger at their very next session and to hopefully, get a proper answer this time.

***

_Renjun quickly caught on to Sicheng when the latter suspiciously made him watch a documentary about families. Sicheng even gave him a task where he needs to list down all the things he noticed and appreciates towards the family he observed inside Sicheng’s laptop screen after. Glaring at the blank pad on the table, and a pencil in his hand, Renjun thinks about the interesting story a family from the borders of Ghana narrated in the short film._

He could list a lot of things and to be honest, there are more reasons Renjun shouldn’t be envious of judging their life and poor way of living. Renjun doesn’t want that. At least not their tattered house and burning hot weather, not their leftover foods that are not much for scraps, and the never-ending problem of thirst and malnourishment due to the lack of clean water to drink and proper food to eat. Those were the things Renjun fortunately never had to go through upon growing up, despite their family not being the total richest out there in the world.

However, there’s one thing Renjun is envious of about that girl around 13 years old. Her smile. That beautiful, eye sparkling and brilliant smile that stuck to Renjun the most. Even the way he laughs and jokes around his siblings, the fondness of his father’s eyes when he sat his daughter on his lap, and the tears her mother shed upon confessing her love for her children.

There’s authenticity in it, a genuine happiness that no amount of riches can yield. Renjun has always been a fan of documentaries, especially those involving the harsh reality of the people from the bottom of the pyramid. But nonetheless, he found himself smiling in the middle. When those people on the screen smiled, Renjun can’t help but too.

Renjun doesn’t know much about happiness. That emotion and feeling is a rare visitor and a guest he hasn’t seen in a long while. But he can tell, despite his incomplete knowledge of the word, he is aware enough to say that these people are blessed with happiness in life.

He is almost hoping the session will end as soon as he passed his paper to Sicheng. But of course, there’s still 20 minutes left for questioning. He kinda wishes it wouldn’t be that cliche nonsense questions every therapist would ask their depressed patient. And to be honest, it’s surprising Sicheng hasn’t asked him about this yet. Bet the time he did has finally come.

“Hmm, you have a very interesting viewpoint regarding the documentary we watched huh? From all the reasons you put down, the top one on your list is “Happiness”. What do you mean by that?” Something about Sicheng sounding so professional and more doctor-like when they began their consultation for today piques Renjun’s curiosity. Normally, the doctor would be more playful and at ease around him, now it seems like they’re back at the beginning with a simple patient-doctor relationship.

“Isn’t it obvious? They’re happy. It’s one thing everyone would be envious of, not just me,” Renjun looks away.

Sicheng nods, putting the papers down he stares at Renjun’s frowning face. “How can you say they are happy?”

“Uh, they are obviously smiling and laughing?”

“Oh Renjun, but we both smiling and laughing is a simple task even the saddest person in the world could do. Even I could smile and laugh right now and I swear I’m not at all happy.”

“Sucks to be you then,” Renjun scoffs.

But Sicheng is nowhere near finished. “Can you tell me what is your definition of happiness? Or is that it? Smiling and laughing is happiness.”

Of all the things Renjun heard coming out of Sicheng’s mouth, this one seemed to be the most nonsense. “What am I? A dictionary now? Go look for your definition of happiness on your Merriam, _doctor_ , because I sure as hell can’t give you that.”

“Is it because you don’t feel happy? They say you can’t define what you don’t know. That’s it, isn’t it? Now let me change the question for you. When is the last time you felt happy, Renjun?”

Renjun’s silence allowed Sicheng to continue, this time listing down all the possible options for the younger. “Is it when you are with Na Jaemin?”

He imagines it. The nights he spent talking and dreaming about the other boy. He was smiling, yes. And there’s a fluttering feeling in his stomach upon reading Jaemin’s promises and all his plans for their future. But come to think of it, is he really happy then?

No. _Renjun is hopeful when he’s with Jaemin, but not happy._

“Okay, how about when you are with your mother? Eating the dish she made for you, or even just sitting on her lap. Does it make you happy?”

It flashed Renjun’s mind. Her favorite memories with her mother. Along the millions of them, there are a few he craves to experience again. Whenever he was sick, and his mother was there to aid him. With the woman’s loving hands that always felt so warm and soft to Renjun, she would comb his hair with her fingertips until the younger was asleep. Renjun would smile until he felt the darkness eat his consciousness, even the throbbing pain of his head is not enough in comparison to the lull his mother brought with her caring nature. Renjun is _at peace_ , protected, whenever she’s inside his mother’s arms. But peace and happiness are both different things, both strange to Renjun in some way.

“Your father then? Does your father... ever make you happy?”

Renjun recalls that very first dumpling he ate when he was a kid. And the hot chocolate that nearly burned his tongue. There’s the sunflower field, at the very depth of his mind, a little blurry and very unclear, but he heard his own laughter. Along with his running footsteps that follow the heavy paces of a man he called his father. The sun is so bright, the sky is so clear and he imagines a cerulean blue ocean above their heads, free of clouds and any looming rain. There’s also the scenery at a park, where little Renjun giggly jumped on the slide and Mr. Huang might or might have caught the smaller boy in his arms.

With a raspy voice, Renjun answered, “Yes. He did once.”

***

_Little Renjun has always been a daddy’s boy, always following his father wherever the man go. Then crying when he leaves. Renjun doesn’t like his cousin Luhan’s company, as he always thought the then 18-year-old boy will scold him for as so much as breathing near him. While his mother, Mrs. Huang, is busy with her work. Never having the time to take care of little Renjun, she always leaves him with his father before going away to her job at the market._

_Being an only child is riveting for Renjun, growing up having the attention of everyone all to himself. It isn’t as lonely as the others thought it would be, or maybe it’s just because he grew up all alone that he’s used to it. Without anyone to take care of Renjun, it is Mr. Huang’s duty to bring the kid with him whenever he drives around the city with his cab; Renjun sitting on the passenger’s seat while his father handles the steering wheel, the man’s customers adoring the little kid who always sticks with his papa._

_Their bond is unbreakable. Renjun loves the time whenever his father would spoil him and secretly buys him the toys he pleaded when Mrs. Huang is not looking. Mr. Huang is the person who taught Renjun how to swim, the first one to come with him and soothe him on his first day in kindergarten when little Renjun is breaking down and pleading to go home. They have their little secret rendezvous. They’d explore cities every weekend without his mother knowing, and they’d both come home giggling and Mr. Huang putting a finger on his lip to tell Renjun not to say a word to his mother._

_Renjun used to be a sociable child, often playing with his cousins on his father’s side. Loved by everyone all because of his toothy grin and charming eyes that always shone brighter than the sun. He loved the attention, loved posing for photographs that will stay years later in his father’s wallet. More than anything, Renjun is always_ _**always** _ _smiling. Being a naturally intelligent kid at such a young age, everyone assumes a bright future waiting ahead for the golden child._

_Until Mr. Huang decided it’s best to leave his family to work overseas, where a good opportunity is waiting. The man doesn’t hesitate to take the offer despite Renjun pleading him not to go, clawing at his shirt and sobbing on his neck until he fell asleep._

“But he still took it right? The offer?” Sicheng asked, filling the silence from Renjun’s pause.

Renjun locked his eyes with him and nodded without any expression. “He did.”

“Did you hate him for it?”

“I didn’t hate him for taking the offer. I hated him for lying to me and giving me false hope that he’d still be there when I wake up in the morning.”

_Mr. Huang introduced happiness to little Renjun. But then again, he’s also the first person to introduce the kid to what it really means to be sad._

_It’s different from when Renjun couldn’t buy the robot he saw at the display in a toy store. It’s different from the fear that engulfs him when his father left him on his first day of kindergarten. It’s a completely different touch of dread when Renjun thought his parents lost him in the supermarket. Because when Renjun found the spot beside his bed empty of Mr. Huang, and his mother hugging him after dropping the heavy news, he swore it’s a different kind of cry he tried so hard to mask from the woman._

_It was like there’s a hole in his chest. The 7-year-old felt empty for a moment. Until he looked around, at that spot where his father laid just last night, and he broke in a pitiful sob. It’s like enjoying the swim in an ocean then finally realizing you’ve reached the middle of nowhere where you can’t survive. You tried so hard to breathe, reach the surface, but you could only flap your feet helplessly and shout for help. Only, no one is able to hear you. And you cannot escape yourself from the doom._

_Renjun did not understand then. But years later he learned to define that kind of pain. Because as much as he tries to forget it, he can never. For it’s his first real pain._

_He used to love Mr. Huang, adored him, and responded to his calls every now and then. Until he simply didn't._

_Until Mr. Huang just became that person who Renjun called father in a monotonous voice. Until Renjun’s sweet I love yous turned into hums and awkward thank-yous. Until hanging out with Mr. Huang in his rare and short vacations after years of working isn’t too ideal anymore for the growing teen. Maybe they really start to grow apart when Renjun stopped telling his father his days at school and when the memory of his father ever being present on his birthday started to fade away in Renjun’s mind._

_It’s a sad story, but Renjun is a stranger to Mr. Huang as Mr. Huang has now become a person Renjun couldn’t stand a single minute with in a room. Perhaps it’s the distance or the time they spent apart, but at age 15 Renjun could write more things he dislikes about his father than things he likes about him._

“And what are those things, if I may ask?”

Renjun stared at Sicheng for a good few minutes, staring at the alarm that only has 10 minutes left.

“Well, for a first, he snores _real_ loud. It’s infuriating. I prefer sleeping in silence.”

“And the next?”

“He chews his food _really_ loud in his mouth. Even if it doesn’t look like it, I have a thing for table etiquette.”

Sicheng raised a brow at that. “And the third?”

“He is _noisy_. Man, he always _always_ disrupts my silence with his nonsense topics and jokes.”

“Hmm. But hasn’t it ever sink to you that maybe he’s just trying to converse with you?”

“Well, I don’t want to.”

Sicheng shakes his head. “Okay. What more?”

“Have I told you yet that he is really _nosy_? He always notices me for all the littlest things I’ve ever done. When I am eating, or using my phone, or reading. He always has something to say. I hate that.”

“And then?”

“I hate that he’s a liar. God, I was such a fool when I was a child for believing he’d buy me a bird for a pet. Only to listen to his nonstop excuses that are very unrealistic now that I think of it. I mean, what bird can free themselves in their locked up cages? Jesus. And yeah, I hate his explanations. I hate his voice, and the way he sleeps like a dead man...” And Renjun’s list goes on and on. More of them are shallow reasons Sicheng simply winced at. But the farther Renjun goes, the quieter he became. The fire in his tone dying down as he fell more into a state of solemn.

“I hate that he’s a very manipulative person. I hate that he makes my mother cry. I hate that he once hurt my mother. I hate that he acts like we can’t live without him. I hate that he’s such a narcissistic asshole who doesn’t give a damn about his family’s feelings. I hate that he doesn’t want to be cheated on and yet... he cheated on my mother.”

The sound of alarm blares inside the office, Sicheng almost jumped in surprise after he heard the high pitched sound while looking at Renjun in shock.

“But you know what I hate the most about him? The same reason why I hated him all this time. He’s a liar, always giving me false hopes. Surprise surprise, I still hold on to his promise that he will be there when morning comes.”

“ _Oh, why are you still awake Renjunnie?” Mr. Huang asked with a soft smile upon seeing the 9-year-old boy sleepily rubbing his eyes in an adorable Phineas and Ferb Pjs._

_Renjun’s gaze fell upon the luggage on his father’s feet, half of the space now filled with the man’s clothes. “Are you really leaving tonight?” Renjun’s voice is incredibly tiny when he spoke those words, and Mr. Huang can’t help but hug his only son to his chest, rubbing the boy’s back._

_With a smiling face, he whispered, “No, Renjunnie. Daddy won’t be leaving. His flight is canceled because of the rain. So you just sleep safe and sound on your bed, huh? Daddy will be here when you wake up in the morning.”_

_Though Renjun is disappointed his father will still leave in a matter of days, what really occupies the boy’s mind the most is the fact his father won’t be leaving that night. And he’ll still hear his voice when the morning comes. Even though half of the time he avoided his father since he came back, in his heart, there’s still the hole from the first swelling every time the thought of his father leaving crossed his mind._

_He just didn’t expect for that hole to be opened so wide again, sucking the happiness and hope growing in his chest that maybe his father is still there when he opens his eyes the very next morning_

_Now 15 years old, Renjun subtly asked his father at dinner about his flight._

“ _So, you’ll be going this midnight?” Renjun asked in between chewing. He felt his father looking at him with a smile._

“ _I won’t be going until the next day. Don’t worry, Renjunnie.”_

_Renjun wanted to snort, he hates it when his father called him by that crappy nickname. But at the same time, the teen hides his smile while gulping down his glass of water. Whether he said it or not, there’s still the hole in his chest, always open for swelling like it was fresh from yesterday, at the thought of his father gone._

_Renjun is 15 years old, far from that little kid who believes everything his father says. So he figured there’s no reason his father would lie to him again. Thinking they are both done with that phase now that he’s all grown up and is much understanding about things._

“ _Sorry Renjun, we couldn’t wake you up. I sent your father to the airport this midnight. There have been some changes in his flight schedule. He needed to leave earlier. He told me he’s very sorry and that he’ll call as soon as he arrived at his destination,” Mrs. Huang said, offering a sad smile to a now fully-awake Renjun._

_Like before, Renjun just stood there, silently grieving as he fights his own tears. But his chest? No matter how many times it happened the swelling never once ceased._

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a one-shot fic, probably 30K long. But 155 pages later, and 67.7K words and ta-dah! I decided to divide it into four parts. Here's the first part. Do leave your comments and kudos if you liked. Thanks so much for reading.
> 
> \- sungchan


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